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Is your attitude towards money really your own or is it shaped by the money trauma from previous generations and passed on to you?
Money is deeply emotional and often associated with trauma and can be handed down from one generation to the next. Generational cycles of financial trauma are hard to acknowledge, but healing starts with recognising unmet needs before we discover our true selves beyond our trauma wounds, Luxolo Isabelle Dywili, registered counsellor, mental health advocate and Sanlam’s Dirtiest Word ‘money therapist’, says.
“A massive part of moving through money trauma is talking about it,” she points out.
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It is important to understand generational money trauma, Dywili says. “Trauma can be any situation that causes you to feel overwhelmed. Our bodies react by undergoing biological changes, with fight-or-flight stress responses that can continue well beyond the perceived threat.
“This is how trauma becomes deeply embedded in us. Generational trauma, specifically, refers to how unprocessed trauma responses are passed down across generations, creating patterns that can affect our beliefs about money.”
Money traumas start in childhood with our early experiences in our family systems that have a profound impact on our financial beliefs and future outcomes, she says. “If you grew up poor, for example, not having money is scary.
“As you grow older that anxiety may stay, irrespective of how much money you make. Conversely, if you have a privileged childhood, you may struggle to build up the resilience to cope with situations that money cannot solve.”
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Dywili says children are immersed in the money mindsets of their loved ones. Whatever money story exists in your family will inform your money script and how you react to future scenarios.
“We all have inherited beliefs, such as ‘money is the root of all evil,’ or ‘you can never have enough money’, we carry within us.”
Physician and author Gabor Maté says the word trauma comes from the Greek word for wound. He emphasises that trauma is ‘what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.’
He describes two types of wounds – capital-T traumatic events, such as the loss of a parent, or being abused and small-T traumas, such as a child’s unmet needs. Traumas can also be individual or collective.
In many cases, he believes trauma is multigenerational. “We pass on to our offspring what we have not resolved in ourselves.”
Maté advocates for treating trauma with compassion but also taking personal responsibility for healing.
When deep money trauma topics are taboo, it can make healing hard and that is why Sanlam’s Dirtiest Word campaign included an in-depth survey on people’s money mindsets and specifically, how willing we are to talk about the F-word – our finances.
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A third of people infrequently discuss their finances with loved ones, while 9% never do. A third of people said talking about money brings up feelings of worry, while 20% fear being judged and 17% said they feel embarrassed.
This may be unsurprising, given that 60% were raised in families that never spoke about finances. Money seems to be something people are taught to work hard for but never speak about, Dywili says.
“Healing starts with understanding your family’s history and patterns around money. Reflect on specific money-related memories from your childhood. Journaling can help uncover deeply held beliefs.
“Ask yourself, for example: ‘What did I learn about money growing up?’ or ‘How did my family handle financial stress?’ Recognising these patterns is the first step to healing.”
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She says it is important to honour your traumas. “Overcoming financial trauma starts with decreasing shame. You are not alone and help is available. Start to understand your money trauma triggers so you can plan your coping strategies accordingly.
“Honour your traumas and how they may have impacted you emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially. Stop any harsh self-judgement and view past traumas as opportunities for learning, growth and increased resilience.”
Maté advocates for acceptance and authenticity. “Acknowledge and accept what has happened to you and allow yourself to feel all the associated feelings of anger, grief and loss. Acceptance means being with whatever you are and feel in this moment.
“This increases your sense of free agency and creates room for authenticity. Authenticity means finding your true self and creating new choices by replacing old, preprogrammed responses.”
And talk about finance, Dywili says. “When we speak about our financial traumas, we realise that we are not alone and help is available. Money conversations allow us to learn and gain healthy coping strategies to support financial wellness.
“When you have these discussions, prepare ahead so you feel more confident to have the conversation. Schedule a suitable time with no disturbances and be clear and direct about your reasons for having the conversation. Be honest and try not to sugarcoat things.
“Try to end the chat positively and thank the other person for talking with you. Navigating financial traumas can be uncomfortable and if you need to pause and come back to a topic later, that is fine.”
She says it is time to start speaking about money to break cycles of intergenerational trauma. You can start small by, for example, sharing a money memory with a trusted friend or family member. “These conversations not only deepen relationships but also help uncover shared patterns and offer opportunities for collective healing. Remember, it starts with you.”
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