Gaslighting at work – how to identify it and overcome it

If someone is gaslighting you at work, it can make your life hell to spend your days in a toxic environment.

Gaslighting can make you physically ill and the fallout can stay with you for many years.

People started using the term gaslighting after it became easier to define and understand this toxic behaviour in personal and romantic relationships. What is less well understood is that gaslighting is also a popular game played by bullies and narcissists in the workplace.

This has a devastating impact on the individual victim as well as the culture and performance of teams and businesses, Debbie Goodman, author and CEO at executive search firm, Jack Hammer Global, says.

“Very few people, if indeed any, can claim that they have never felt stressed or anxious as a result of challenging workplace relationships. Most working professionals have to manage complex relationships daily: perhaps with a colleague who is a jerk, with difficult clients or a boss that falls short in the compassionate leadership department.”

However, Goodman says these are normal challenges that come with the territory.

“Gaslighting is a uniquely damaging attack on an individual. Few people can correctly identify whether they are a victim of gaslighting and even less can deal decisively with this behaviour.”

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How to identify gaslighting

Gaslighting is hard to identify and pinpoint, because it is usually quite covert and by its nature intended to confuse and make victims question their sanity, she says.

“An abusive boss or co-worker who shouts, bullies and throws their toys out of the cot is easy to spot, but gaslighting is more calculated and subtle, less overt and flies under the radar. It is sneaky, sometimes hard to prove and to make the situation much harder, the manipulative behaviour very often does not break any policies or rules.”

It is important for people facing severe toxicity at work to determine whether they are indeed a victim of gaslighting, says Goodman, as the consequences can be severe and life-changing if not identified and dealt with.

“Gaslighting can make you physically ill, with research showing a higher risk of cardiovascular disease, stroke and diabetes linked to victims. It can also leave lasting emotional scars and make you more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety. Similar to PTSD, dealing with the fallout from gaslighting can take years to resolve as the impact does not just stay at work, but spills over into the rest of your life.”

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Key indicators of gaslighting

These are key indicators of gaslighting:

• Gaslighters want to manipulate and control you by making you question your reality. You may feel confused or unsure of yourself and doubt your own abilities, judgment and memory. Gaslighting can make you feel like you are losing your mind or that you are the only one who sees the truth.
• You feel like you are walking on eggshells. If you feel you have to be constantly vigilant and careful about what you say or do to avoid triggering your abuser’s anger or criticism, you might be experiencing gaslighting.
• You feel powerless and helpless, as if there is nothing you can do to change your situation. Regardless of what you try to do differently, you remain the target of criticism and blame.
• You constantly feel defensive as all faults are projected onto you. Gaslighters sow confusion with long circular arguments that do not seem to make sense, but they present them with such authority that you begin to question yourself.

Goodman says the first line of defence on the way to taking back power and addressing gaslighting behaviour, is to start documenting everything.

“Whatever you choose to do next, documenting everything will help you understand the situation better and embark on the healing journey, while also providing supporting evidence should you escalate the matter. From now on, start making notes, record conversations, including witnesses in meetings and recap email conversations while including others in the trail.”

Goodman says this makes it harder for the culprit to deny, lie or backpedal and also sends out a strong message that you are on to them. She adds that now is the time to build your support network as well as outside interests to ensure gaslighting does not dominate your life.

“Also ensure that you reduce contact with the perpetrator as much as possible while building new relationships with other leaders in the organisation.”

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What can you do about it?

The biggest questions in terms of strategy are whether to directly confront the abuser and escalate the matter.

“Confront abusers with extreme caution, given that they are likely to be master manipulators and highly unlikely to admit they are fault.

“If gaslighters feel their reputation is at risk, they will go to extreme lengths to cover up what they are doing, which could exacerbate the situation.”

What about escalating the matter? Goodman says reporting someone for gaslighting is a serious decision that you must take carefully considering all of the factors involved.

“It is important to seek support and guidance from trusted colleagues, friends, or mental health professionals before approaching HR and prioritise your own well-being and safety throughout the process.”

She says you must also ensure that you understand the company’s policies and previous handling of similar situations, as well as the weight of your evidence.

“Unfortunately, these types of corporate bullies are such deft manipulators, that addressing the situation may backfire, leaving you in an even worse situation.”

If that happens, the best and possibly the only solution is to leave.

“If the organisation does not address this effectively, then your departure is inevitable and you must start making plans for an exit.”