Single, in a committed relationship

The hospital forms gave me high blood pressure, because supposedly not being married means you're single.

Image courtesy stock.xchnge

Of late, I had to fill in a form for a hospital procedure. Hold the flowers, step away from the grapes, for it’s nothing serious – just a small “lady” procedure, and otherwise I am perfectly healthy. Or was, until the hospital forms gave me high blood pressure.

I began to fill them in, block capitals, blah-di-blah, all the usual stuff about emergency contacts, health insurance, allergies and so forth.

Then I got to a thorny question. Please tick appropriate box, it said. Marital Status: Single; Married; Widowed; Separated; Divorced.

Now, I have never been married, so I cannot technically be widowed, separated or divorced either.

Therefore, by default, I can only be … single? Of course, this may prove upsetting for Himself, who has stood beside me for 15 years. But still: single! Me! Oh, toss me my wine and my sexy knickers. Break out the Tinder; bring me another lover. We’ll just pop my fella in a cupboard and get on with this single lady malarkey, for the fact of us living together, having a home together, raising two children together, going on holiday together, fighting, loving, shouting, laughing, sleeping, and walking our three dogs together, cannot possibly count for anything.

A decade and a half of coupledom means nothing, because bureaucracy insists I must be single, simply because I have chosen not to get married.

Bureaucracy does not accept “partners” or “boyfriends.” Bureaucracy wants little bits of rubber-stamped paper, in triplicate, as proof of commitment.

Bureaucracy is a sanctimonious, judgmental jerk. So what did I do?. I crossed the whole sentence out. Then I wrote, in capitals: LONGTERM-PARTNER!. Underneath, for emphasis, I put in brackets: (15 years!) (2 children!) (This hardly qualifies as single!).

However, this being bureaucracy, there was yet another form questioning my marital status in its imperious way, as if only a deserving woman could undergo a gynaecological procedure.

Again, it offered as the two options “single” or broadly “was once/is still married”.

So I wrote “None of the above” and “in a committed relationship” and I underlined it too, because vociferous underlining denotes serious intent, right?