IT is the season everyone has been looking forward to – some more than others.
The ones who are most thrilled, only have to pack their bags, fill up and drive off to their dream vacation destination where everything is free of charge: the accommodation, meals, beverages, entertainment and labour.
All the above are sponsored by friends and relatives who are just over the moon to be honoured with their presence at the Christmas table, where they will also not have to do dishes, since they are guests.
After all, they don’t know where everything goes and the dishwasher virtually packs itself.
Since everyone gets Christmas bonuses and thirteenth cheques, nobody is too stressed about budgets. Bottoms up! Beers on the house!
Then there are those who are less thrilled.
They are the ones with three shopping trolleys, high blood pressure, a calculator and a to-do-list, starting with ‘breathe in / breathe out’.
But, there is good news for those who dread Christmas – there are ways and means of dealing with honourable guests who over-stay their welcome within the first two hours.
These tips are almost guaranteed to repel such guests for years to come and will surely spread quickly to others by word of mouth only.
1. Buy shower caps for the whole family and two bottles of head lice shampoo. The shower caps must be placed on the heads before arrival of the guests.
2. When guests arrive, greet them at the door with their very own shower caps, which are to be placed on their heads immediately before entering the house, to prevent the super large Zululand lice from doing the high jump.
3. Jovially hug and kiss them, assuring them that lice shampoo and fine combs have been placed in all the bathrooms for their convenience.
4. Assure them that all the bedding, pillows, sheets and towels have been washed, although they should actually be boiled to get rid of the eggs.
They are welcome to boil their bedding themselves, but it is only precautionary, since they will be sleeping with their caps on.
5. Offer the newest flavour pine cool-aid as refreshments, explaining that there is lots of fun to be had without alcohol and that it is a family New Year’s resolution to become teetotallers – starting from 1 December 2016.
6. Excitedly tell them about your twenty photo albums, each about the size of a lever arch-file, with all your shots of birds, trees, insects, sunsets, flowers and local wildlife, using different camera techniques.
Promise to explain every shot, technique and symbolic meaning of every photo as an after-dinner delight, which is much better than fattening ice-cream.
7. Dinner is of course the latest Zululand treat – offal.
This delightful mea, has gained popularity due to the latest organic trend and, the best news is, it is not as unaffordable as people would make out.
In fact, there is no short supply due to all the cattle that are struck on the Zululand roads – they are chopped up at the scene and in no time make it to the local butcher.
8. Tell them that you have been studying ‘Trees of Southern Africa’ and are just dying to take them on a day trip through the suburbs to show them all the indigenous trees and invasive species.
Argue convincingly that it is much better than the beach, especially after the massive jellyfish suicide which is still being cleaned up and is possibly linked to a chemical spill or a sewerage leak.
9. Entertain them with opera, symphonic orchestras and the bagpipes, starting at 6 in the morning – when everybody will be doing yoga on the grass to have some family bonding time.
10. Explain how relieved you are to have them there, because the children have a couple of sponsor forms and raffles for which they are collecting and a door-to-door family effort will ensure their place on the team.
11. Tell them they are welcome to stay as long as they want, if they don’t mind sharing with Aunty Flora, who will be arriving in a day or two, to come and rest a little to recover from her bronchitis cough.
12. If after all this, they are still there, phone Ripley’s Believe It Or Not.
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