THE planet is a ticking time bomb and the human race is about to face – a quite deserving – extinction.
But there’s no need to trouble yourself.
The best possible defence and the one that everyone seems to be embracing wholeheartedly is denial.
The other is a distraction.
And what better form of distraction is there than shopping for completely useless items that celebrate our consumerist culture?
Here are some really insane products that serve little to no purpose in the real world, but are a fantastic distraction from our ultimate doom.
1. Diet Water
If you keep drinking water and putting on weight, then obviously, water is the underlying problem.
No, it is not the 17 burgers, two tubs of ice cream and bucket of beer you consume daily.
Rather it’s the water containing absolutely zero calories.
So, tackle that problem head-on with some refreshing Diet Water.
Remember, it’s all about denial!
2. Alcohol-Free Vodka
You can’t go wrong with any alcohol-free drinks, but if you’re going to invest in this product range then you might as well go for the big win.
Alcohol-Free Vodka has all the great taste of vodka, without any of the far-too-exciting side effects.
If you’re looking to impress your Russian friends, then this is a must.
Plus, it’s popular with young children the world over.
3. Pritt – Just 4 Girls!
For years, girls have been sitting aimlessly in classrooms, watching forlornly as their male counterparts stick pieces of paper onto other pieces of paper with untold glee.
But no more!
It’s time for the girls to have some craft-time fun with Pritt’s latest range of ‘Just 4 Girls’ glue sticks.
These work even better with ‘Bic for Her’ pens.
Please note, these products must be used under strict male supervision.
4. YouTube Book of Videos
If you’ve heard all about this ‘YouTube’ phenomenon but are just too technophobic to actually check it out online – no worries!
Now you can buy a book that shows, in picture form, the funniest, coolest video clips that all your colleagues are talking about.
Sure, you’re going to miss out on why these videos are actually ‘cool’ and ‘funny’, but there’s no shame in buying a book.
5. Lickable Wallpaper
If you’ve ever sat in a room and thought how much better it would be if you could lick the walls, then you’re seriously in luck with this product.
Lickable Wallpaper has all the flavour of food, without the calories!
Granted, you’ll be licking the same wallpaper as everyone else, just try not to lick after someone with a cold.
Yum!
6. Metal-Detecting Sandals
If you’re trying to beat your nemesis – you know the one, that other guy that walks along the beach with his handheld metal detector – then this product was made for you.
With these really attractive Metal-Detecting Sandals, you can find hidden metal rubbish with your feet, leaving your hands free to wave at all your many friends.
The added bonus is that they’re so attractive, you can wear them almost anywhere… as long as you don’t mind the constant beeping noise every time you walk over a coin.
So, you see, there’s no time for moping about the impending Armageddon when there are so many exciting products to try out.
Get out that credit card, put on your tinfoil hat and just get buying!
