I was recently almost killed by a speeding blue light brigade of sizable proportions, so it must have been someone really important, and in a great hurry.
Probably not a deputy but the actual Minister of Portable Sanitation for Outdoor Events himself – with back-up cars in tow, and of course, the entire local traffic department helping him put taxpayers’ lives at risk.
As they weaved through mid-day John Ross traffic, at what I estimated must have been at least 180km/h, I happened to notice that their SUVs are not suitable for the task on hand.
The BMW X5 performed okay-ish and could swerve over three lanes and immediately back again, but rolled like a fishing trawler.
At least it had decent pace because Officer Tortoise, leading the convoy in his orange Golf GTI, really had to haul ass or else he would have been X5 road kill.
Fat donkeys
Towards the rear, flat out and slowing the convoy down, was a Ford Everest and a Toyota Fortuner – both of course, painted government shade do-you-know-who-I-am black.
These two SUVs were obviously way out of their comfort zones and looked like overweight donkeys having been selected to run in the Durban July, just because their owners are well connected.
I don’t blame them for their poor performance because they were designed to big families around at a sane pace, and not to break the land speed record between Richards Bay and Empangeni.
After I thanked the Almighty Father for not letting a Fortuner fall on my head, I gave it some thought and, instead of telling the Honourable Minister of Portable Sanitation for Outdoor Events what a fool he is, I would like to give him some sound advice.
The car for the job
Dear Minister of Portable Sanitation for Outdoor Events, my man, mamela.
Just because an SUV is painted black, doesn’t make it suitable as high-speed executive transport.
If you carry on doing so, your wife will soon be reading a post on the New Age’s website saying;
‘Breaking news! Honourable so-and-so passed away this morning in a car crash together with his faithful wife.’
She will be upset because you cheated on her and bury you in a cheap coffin – so do the right thing.
Next time you put out a tender for a new car, ask the salesman to show you the BMW M760 sedan.
This 448kW/800Nm, V12 beast, propels the most exquisite leather and wooden veneers from zero to 100km/h in a mere 3.7 seconds, and without making people seasick just looking at it. Yes, its three million Rand price tag might be top heavy, but as a taxpayer I’m willing to dig deep so that you can have a car with decent road handling.
I really don’t want to die because you were cutting corners.
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