MY STORY: ‘I knew I was born in the wrong body’

BEING transgender is not a mental sickness or mental disorder – it is the feeling of one’s identity not matching the external physical aspects of one’s body.

I’m 38 years old, I live in Empangeni, and I was born a boy. I come from a normal background, a loving family of four and have had the standard upbringing like any other male.

But around the age of four, I experienced the first feelings that something was not quite right. Small things that I noticed, but could not understand.

One of the first incidents was when we were at the shops with friends and the girls all received new Alice bands for their hair. I asked for one but was told that I could not have one. This confused me, as I regarded myself as the same as them.

I was reminded that I was a boy and not a girl and was expected to act and behave like one. I had no choice but to conform to the typical standard. Around the age of seven, I would look in the mirror and see someone who was not me staring back.

I knew then that I was a girl. I couldn’t tell my parents, my brother or friends as they would think I was a freak. As I cried myself to sleep most nights, I would pray to God to please help me, to let me wake up in the morning as a girl.

Puberty was interesting. Had a few girlfriends and lost a few girlfriends, discovered a love for mountain bike riding, going to the beach, surfing and so on – normal boy stuff.

But high school was torture. I tried really hard to fit in with the boys. I gave it my best shot. On the sideline, I watched the girls do their thing.

I related to a lot of what they talked about, except boys. That part did not do anything for me except put me off.

Depression set in at around Grade 9 and I soon crashed. I lost all my friends, my girlfriend, and my school marks started slipping. Life was hell. I simply had to leave school, and so pursued a technical education.

This was the lift I needed – new surroundings, new people, new focus. I pulled myself out the hole I had fallen into and was determined to make a success of my life.

After leaving Tech with high marks, I landed a good entry level job, met a girl and got married. Life was good. But the feelings came straight back. I fought it by getting into motorcycles and any other ‘manly’ thing to get my mind off of it. It didn’t work.

I went into serious depression again and got divorced.

Suicide

It all became too much and to stop the suffering, I decided to end my life, only to wake up in hospital a couple of days later feeling very ashamed. Back to therapy and lots and lots of pills again.

Matters improved to some extent, but the pestering feeling of wanting to be a woman was one I simply could not shake off.

A few years later, I married again and had another child. Again life was good, worth living for, only to come crashing down harder than ever before. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of disconnect I had with myself.

It was so bad that I could not even function as a person.  My marriage came crashing down because of unrelated issues. The loss of my father followed shortly after.

It was just too much so I attempted suicide again, hoping it would be successful this time. Alas, I woke up in hospital again with a very angry psychologist in a reprimanding mood. I took some time out after that to explore my feelings and go into more depth with my psychologist.

She was amazing; I was suffering with gender disphoria, a condition of disconnect between the gender you feel inside and the body you were born in.

This made a lot of sense. Transgender and transsexual research followed and it dawned on me that I was not at all alone.

I contacted a few people on social media and through this interaction, I was able to come to terms with why I have been feeling this way all my life and what I had to do to rectify the situation.

If my parents were educated on the signs and symptoms I was displaying from an early age, my life would have had turned out very differently.

Ditto if my friends, teachers and employers were educated and understood. Education and awareness are the key here. I could have been dead twice….. Transgender people are human.

Treat them as you would any other person.’

Do you want to tell your story in our ‘My Story’ feature with the objective of raising awareness and understanding of different life experiences? All experiences will be treated with extreme confidentiality. Email laurie@zob.co.za

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