THE home in Richards Bay is a postcard picture of typical middle-class suburbia.
Behind closed doors though, says ‘Dean’, things are very, very different.
He discovered his wife had been having an affair, and it destroyed their lives.
This incident of cheating was not the first, he says, admitting that he’s not been the perfect husband in the past.
In fact, he cannot understand why the wife he ‘has smacked before’ and ‘who knows her place when they are at home’ has strayed from him after thirty years of marriage.
‘I suspected something was wrong. She began acting very strangely over the past six months.
‘She would always claim to be tired when she came home.’
‘One night she asked me to fetch her phone from the room and when I went to get it, a message came through saying ‘How are you my love?’ ‘I thought that was very suspicious given the fact that she is a married woman.’
Before confronting his wife – and with his two children present – ‘Dean’ then took down the number and decided to call it from his cell phone.
‘I went to the lounge and dialed the number. A man answered and I asked him who he was.’ ‘Dean’ said the man on the other end of the phone revealed himself as ‘John’ and when probed said he was from Durban.
‘I repeated his name and as I did, I saw my wife suddenly turn and look at me, because she obviously knew the name and was trying ‘Her affair destroyed our family’ to hide something. ‘I asked him if he knew my wife and he hesitated before saying that he didn’t.
So I bluntly asked him why he was sending my wife messages if he didn’t know who she was. ‘That’s when he hung up the phone.’
Confrontation ‘Dean’ confronted his wife, who denied knowing anything about ‘John’ and outright denied the countless accusations that were suddenly thrown at her in a fit of anger and rage.
‘I told her that if she has nothing to hide then she should dial the number in front of me and speak to ‘John’. My two boys were sitting right there, I wanted them to know what he had been doing.
‘She refused – and that’s when I got angry.’
After a heated argument, under the cover of darkness, his wife packed her bags and left the house with his youngest son when ‘Dean’ was asleep.
‘About 20 years ago I had an affair and have a child as a result of that. It was a drunken night of regret, but I admitted to messing up and even took my wife to meet the woman I had cheated with.’
‘Dean’ said that he and his wife had reconciled and decided to make their marriage work.
‘I have done things in the past that may have damaged our marriage at that stage, but I always admitted when I was wrong. Why can’t she admit that?
‘We met with our local pastor, yet she continued to deny everything and refuses to call ‘John.’
While ‘Dean’ is expecting his wife to move back into their home, he fears that things will never be the same.
‘It will take me a very long time to get over this, or even the idea of it. Cheating is a way of life in this day and age. It is happening in our community, it’s happening everywhere.
‘Do you know how many married women and men in our community are ‘jolling’?
I see and hear about it every day. ‘We live in a society of broken homes, disguised as loving and caring homes.’
‘Dean’ admitted that since their ordeal, he has tried to understand what has become of his marriage and what would push his wife to do such a thing.
‘She’s a dog in my eyes – and she will get treated like a dog.’
‘I’m going to teach her the hard way, I’m going to teach her not to lie. Maybe in our marriage I never taught her hard enough…’
Where can one get help?
Domestic violence can take many forms, including sexual, physical, emotional and economic abuse, sexual harassment, stalking and child abuse.
There are a number of potential adverse impacts of these types of violence – ill health, psychological, physical and emotional trauma, unwanted pregnancies, suicide, depression, low self-esteem, drug and alcohol abuse.
The Stop Gender Violence Helpline aims to support those affected by gender-based violence, reduce its occurrence and so prevent these adverse impacts.
The National Stop Women Abuse Helpline was initiated by Soul City and the National Network on Violence against Women in 2004, in partnership with LifeLine South Africa.
The Line was formally broadened to incorporate issues of both sexes and was reflected in the change of the Line’s name to the Stop Gender Violence Helpline.
The Line provides anonymous, confidential and accessible telephonic information, counselling and referrals in all 11 official languages to survivors, witnesses and perpetrators of gender-based violence.
The Line (0800 150 150) operates 24 hours a day, seven days a week, including public holidays.
Useful numbers
*LifeLine Crisis office – 035 7897788
*Crisis Line – 082 7619111
*SAPS Empangeni – 035 9015800
*SAPS Richards Bay – 035 9012475 / 035 9012478
Do you want to tell your story in our ‘My Story’ feature with the objective of raising awareness and understanding of different life experiences?
All experiences will be treated with extreme confidentiality.
Email laurie @zob.co.za
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