LONDON LETTER: Empowered to become a penniless author

So – I’m back. For better or worse, and although I hope the former, there are no guarantees against the latter.

In fact, I have just been given yet another salutary lesson that there are absolutely no guarantees in life.

I was called into my boss’ office last week and she said unfortunately she did not have good news for me.

The website I worked for was being centralised by a team in head office, so there was no further need for me.

She then gave me an envelope. But she was wrong; it wasn’t really bad news.

In fact, the pay-out they were giving me for ‘loyal service’ was great news.

I can now do what I have always wanted to do and write books full time. In other words, I now have some pennies to be a penniless author.

Anyway, I spent a full five minutes reviewing my future and to cheer me up even further I thought of the things I really wanted in life.

Material things that is, as at the risk of being a soppy old git, my family are all I need otherwise.

Three things came to mind; I have always wanted a G-Shock watch; an 11-foot quality fly-rod that can cast 40 metres (with the wind behind me), and a Suzuki Jeep.

I got the G-Shock a couple of Christmases ago thanks to management finding it on some obscure sale; the fly-rod I bought on a credit card last year when no one was looking; and by the time you read this, I should be the owner of a brand, spanking, second-hand Suzuki Jeep.

They are called Jimnys here, and there is one reserved for me at a dealership in Surrey who is throwing in road tax and free servicing to sweeten the deal.

Jackhammer vibrations

Why a Jimny? Every car magazine review I have read says they are sluggish, noisy, vibrate like a jackhammer and have a suspension system that makes granite seem flexible.

Maybe – but I have loved them ever since I was commissioned to do an article on scuba diving on the Eastern Cape coast for Cosmo Man magazine, and the instructor revved us up and down the beach in his little Suzuki 4×4.

To me it will be the perfect fishing car as I head up into the Welsh mountains while pondering the next bestseller (heh).

Sadly, management is a bit ruder about my attachment to Jimnys. She says they look like me: short and sullen.

However, as I have had a company car for the past 15 years, I actually have no choice but to get my own set of wheels or walk.

Okay, I probably could get something cheaper than a Jimny, but management doesn’t have to know that.

The problem now is that I have nothing materially to look forward to anymore. Well … unless the Jeep Renegade falls into my price range.

Anyway, back to life’s guarantees or lack thereof.

Reader(s) may remember that this column took a sabbatical in December as I was writing a book about two women who had allegedly been attacked by comedian Bill Cosby.

There are now more than 50 women who claim to have been molested by TV’s favourite dad, so I had to be the first on the street with the publication.

It nearly happened. In fact, I have finished writing it – but there are some niggling legal problems in going forward.

And as Cosby is one of the wealthiest men in the world, I don’t really want to be dragged into any wrangles with his lawyers. They may even take my Jimny away from me.

So all of that is now on standby.

But it’s great to be back in the ZO. Hope you feel the same.