Should your parents discipline your child?

Is it okay for grandparents to discipline your child, or is this a job strictly reserved for parents only?

Grandparents love spoiling their grandchildren and often take on the responsibility of looking after your kids when you need a babysitter or someone to care for them while you’re at work. But you know that at some point your kids will misbehave when they’re with them. So, are grandparents allowed to discipline your child? In general, you’ll probably not have a problem with your folks laying down the law if you’re using the same methods, especially if your kids’ safety is at risk. If you’re lucky, you also share similar values – after all, they raised you.

Different strokes for different folks

But as we know, tensions can run high when parenting styles clash, especially if your parents tend to fall back on their authoritarian style of discipline, or they’re too soft with the rules you want them to adhere to and they feel are too demanding or they disagree with. But one thing experts are clear on is you are in charge when it comes to your kids, and your parents should defer to you even if their approach is different. The role of the grandparent, they say, is to fit in rather than change your family culture. In other words, it’s your job to parent your child, unless you’ve invited them to do so.

Keep communication open

According to local clinical psychologist Francesca Chetwin it’s your responsibility to empower your parents to contain your kids while they are in their care. But she stresses that it’s important that the discipline is emotionally safe and not punitive.

Ideally, both you and your parents should be in agreement about the style of discipline for your kids, with you being in charge when you are present, and them doing their best to manage boundaries in the way you do at home when you are not. Best advice, says Francesca, is for you to sit down and have an open conversation with them about how they view and approach discipline, and to carefully negotiate any differences upfront. She says when you do this, it’s important to consider that when your kid’s behaviour requires marked ‘discipline’ or containment, it may signal some kind of problem because feelings always drive behaviour.

“Children who are better able to regulate their feelings (especially big negative feelings), feel secure enough in themselves and have a ‘good enough’ relationship with their caregivers, usually behave within reasonable boundaries, and benefit from knowing what the boundaries are. Every home has its own boundaries set by the grown-ups in charge, and when they are reasonable, safe, and clearly communicated, kids usually comply. When kids don’t comply, it usually signals some kind of difficulty, which needs to be thought about and discussed,” she says.