We jump over the elephant, crawl underneath, brush past it but no one states the obvious: “There is a big grey elephant between us.” We don’t talk about what is really going on. Because we don’t address it, it builds up and one day explodes like a volcano, either outwards (anger, tears etc) or inwards (waning affection, uncertainty about the future of our relationship etc.)
When must we talk about the ‘elephant’? Acknowledge that there is a problem. Agree to talk about it at a time when both are calm as far as is possible. When we experience strong emotions like anger, anxiety and sadness, the emotional area of our brain (amygdala) prevents that we utilize the logical and rational part of our brain to solve problems. We then often say or do things we later regret or get side tracked and don’t address the actual problem.
How must we talk about the ‘elephant’? The words which we choose to use can turn the ‘lights’ on or off and allow a whole room of possibilities to appear or disappear. Use I-messages. It describes the behavior or situation, how you feel about it and the effect it has on you. For example, rather use words like: “I feel rejected when I don’t feel part of the conversation and then withdraw myself” instead of “You pretend like I don’t exist in front of your friends.” You-messages could have the effect on your partner of feeling judged and like he/she is being attacked. Chances are that he/she will respond by either defending him/herself or attacking you.
I-messages on the other hand, could allow for empathy, greater understanding of the situation and possibly moving closing toward solutions.
Also consider the following when you talk about the “elephant”: Do you want to be right or hapy? Do you want to gather ammunition or create a solution by bringing up the past? Ask for what you need, rather than blaming your partner for not receiving what you need or expecting him/her to know.
