Girls and cars. Things y’all should know…

Like most guys, I have a habit of exchanging feet each time I open my mouth, especially around my female counterparts mainly because one of the best ways I can describe a car is to compare it to girls and vice versa. So, when the Editor asked me to write this column I was a little apprehensive to say the least, but when she ordered me a bowl of ice-cream with extra choc sauce somehow I started to see her point of view.

Ladies! Listen up and listen real well because I am about to let you in on a very big secret. Guys who like cars are attracted to girls who like cars. Sounds simple but it’s not, let me explain.

I spend a fair amount of time at the local watering hole with the boys, particularly on a Friday night and on one particular occasion I had keys to a BMW M5. It didn’t take long before word got around that I was its driver and I was soon at the centre of a group of fascinated guys discussing its attributes. During the course of the evening, a girl came up to me and asked, “Is that black car yours?” to which I responded that indeed I was. She then launched into a anecdote about how much she loved fast cars and driving fast and when I asked what was the fastest car she had ever driven or been driven in she answered confidently, “a Nissan 350”. Make a mental note of this important lapse on her part my lovelies as I will refer to this a little later.
“She called the BMW M5 cute”

She then asked if we could go outside to look at the car and I only hesitated for a brief moment because that line sounded vaguely familiar (I might have used it myself occasionally but it didn’t necessarily have anything to do with actually seeing a car if you know what I mean)! Not in this instance though, because I really did show her the car, that is, until what she said next made me question her supposed love for cars. As she stood there admiring the M5 she uttered the one word which, without fail, kills any moment of any conversation with any guy. She said, “cute”. Inhaling sharply and fighting to keep my voice level I managed to respond, “It’s not cute my dear, its mean,” before walking away.

You do not call Loubitons “shoes”; you specifically call them Christian Loubutons.

Aright, so you are asking yourself, “what went wrong”, and have already concluded that I am a rude, insensitive son-of-a-such & such, but hear me out because in a space of 20 minutes she had committed three irrevocable offences known to men.

(1) She had not known the name of the ‘black car’ when she first approached me. Last time I checked you women knew the precise names of all the designer shoes in the world. You do not call Louboutins “shoes”; you specially call them Christian Louboutins. She should have asked if the black BMW M5 was mine.

(2) She lied when she said she loved driving fast but couldn’t remember the full name of the car she drove in. My experience with women is that they epitomise the essence of detail and when they describe something of importance to them, they do so in excruciating detail, hence forgetting the name of an experience she loved didn’t seem possible to me.

(3) When she used the C word – Cute, it became painfully clear to me that she had no knowledge let alone appreciation for the sheer brilliance that is the BMW M5 and most likely any other car.

Sorry ladies, but this level of deception does not work on us – fake anything else and I mean anything, but DO NOT fake car knowledge.

A few weeks later – alright to be honest, a few nights later, I visited the same pub, this time driving the Golf GTI 35 edition – a car which holds a special place in my heart. The GTI didn’t rouse the same attention as did the M5 did but once word got out that I was driving the GTI, the car talk began once more. My fellow revellers and I engaged in a tempestuous debate about the Hot Hatch segment particularly the GTI vs. the Opel OPC vs. the Ford ST.

From somewhere behind the wall of beer mugs piped up a little voice “the Ford ST is better than the GTI because it has more kilowatts”. The wall miraculously parted to reveal an attractive girl who not only had been brave enough to join the skirmish but actually knew that the Ford ST had more power than a GTI and had used the correct terminology!

It’s important to guys that you are aware of the topics of interest to us. Nothing makes us feel more important than teaching you stuff!

I was hooked and took it upon myself to spend the rest of the evening, exclusively attempting to convert her into a GTI lover. Most of the things she used to counter argue were correct and although I did have to correct her now and again, she had a solid basic foundation which I found impressive!

So what did she do right? Well first off she spoke my language. It’s very important to us guys that you are aware of the topics of interest to us. Trust me, nothing makes us feel more important than teaching you stuff!

Secondly, she knew actual specifics about a certain car and wasn’t afraid to let me know her opinion. We guys are attracted to women who show even the slightest potential to call us to order, because without restrain, we tend to run rampant!

One of the keys to any man’s heart, (other than beer, food, good looks and… well, you know!) is a solid conversation, so do some research, be it music, politics, cars, sport etc. It’s not difficult to please us and once you have our attention, it’s pretty much your game from thereafter. Chances are you might never have to have repeat the conversation because by that time, you and your guy will have moved onto other things!