Violent dynamics of a dysfunctional family

Nonkululeko Mdakana writes:

While gender-based violence continues to be the leading cause of death in South Africa and the world at large, families still continue to cover up acts of violence that happen in households daily.

Some of the reasons victims fail to report abuse include being judged by other members of the family, not wanting to be ‘responsible’ in case something happens to the abuser if they get arrested, fear of losing income if the abuser is a breadwinner, not wanting to separate children from their parent if the abuser is a parent and the list goes on.

While these may be valid reasons not to send an abuser to prison, they are also excuses used to cover up brutal acts and indirectly give power to the abuser.

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I have witnessed abuse from my uncle since I was a child and it became a normal dynamic in our family.

This is my story…

It is the year 2020 and for the past 16 years I have witnessed my uncle act violently towards everyone in our family. I

fear him gravely, he uses a force I have never seen anyone use even on their worst enemy.

I have witnessed him brutally beat up his girlfriends, siblings and children who, all in fear, end up not reporting him to the police, instead after it has happened everyone has to move on – until he does it again.

Well he did it again and unfortunately these are the patterns of abusers, they never stop.

Raising their hand to helpless victims is the only way they know how to express their feelings of anger, only to then later come back, apologise and promise to not do it again.

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Victims usually forgive their abuser and move on hoping they will not do it again.

At what point do you stop and say I have taken enough abuse?

Typically, it is the point where a victim has died.

I will never forget the words ‘ukuphi umese ngiqede ngalenja’ (where is the knife so I can finish this dog) uttered by my uncle to his sister.

My eight-year-old sister will tell you how she was punched twice in the face by a man who is supposed to be her uncle.
Tell me, when is it enough?

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