What crime you ask?
The worst kinds you could imagine, feathers tied to invisible strings manipulating the minds of young kittens, cats forced to endure the wretched slobbers of dogs all over and perhaps the most devastating of all evils, bright, hypnotising red beams of light that mystifyingly appear and disappear at the whip of a cheetah’s tail.
That by hook or crook vanish in plain sight and then return just moments later across the room.
We sit in endless pre-pounce waiting for its black magic to cease… wall to floor to wall to floor… with no prize, but the humiliation of surging at something that seems as though it was never really there… will this madness ever end?
The elders used to speak of a time where we (cats) were worshipped, a time of mice and milk, a time where collars were crowns and catnip!
Oh the glorious catnip… it flowed like an everlasting waterfall, the humans would present it to us on silk pillows – not stuffed inside some contraption, to watch as we were bewitched for their own amusement.
Now where are we?
Burdened into this peasant existence of “domestic cat” not just equals to humans but in the same class as dogs?
“I’m sure my ancestors could not of have imagined a worse fate.
Which is why I, Ralph have taken it upon myself to become the leader of a new revolution.
I, Ralph the sublime will transform into the CAT SHRIEK-ER.
I will break my brethren free from the whisperers with their fancy feasts and their wool knitted shackles once and for all.
Together we shall shape our futures to cement our positions as the kings we were designed to be!
With my natural born mask I will be the superhero this world needs.
The humans will try to trick us; they will distract us with treats and toys.
When they realise their manipulations and chin-tickles are futile, no doubt those dastardly dogs will try to intimidate us into submission…
But we must stay strong my fellow felines!
We must stalk on and fight for freedo….
WHACK-LICK-SLOBBER-DROOL-THUMP-THUMP….
Hroof woof!
You can always tell when Ralph is having one of his Super-Ralph dreams.
His nose twitches and his whiskers wiggle.
It’s great fun to wake him up with my carrotty breath and remind him that I can sit my furry butt on his slinky self quite easily.
Shame… he looks embarrassed, like that time I caught him practising his revolution speech in the reflection of the oven.
I better find him some catnip.
