I was deeply saddened by the comments that you saw fit to reprint from Facebook, regarding the mother of the Springs’ “House of Horrors”, without printing the other side of the coin.
Domestic abuse is one of the most difficult issues for normal, healthy people to understand.
Having worked professionally in this area for nearly three decades, I feel that I would be ‘one of the good people who stand by and do (say) nothing, for this evil to triumph’ if I stand by and say nothing in this mother’s defence, because the abuse began with her as the first victim in that house.
If the dynamics of domestic abuse of this extreme nature were more widely understood, more people would rally in defence of this woman and the deep trauma that she herself has been subjected to.
Regardless of the details – domestic abuse dynamics are always the same.
Battered women are often not believed, but blamed and left feeling guilty and helpless, whereas in reality, she is a victim of a crime and needs protection.
Our society is largely the cause of the shame which surrounds women abuse, together with the fact that it is seen as a private family problem in which others should not become involved.
The problem is that it is usually never just the woman who is abused, but the entire family network, as well as friends, employers and colleagues – whereas in this instance, the husband managed to keep it contained within the confines of the house.
One of the simplest ways to describe the dynamics of domestic abuse is to see that the woman is forced into the role of ‘child’ in the family, and therefore can be punished by the ‘parent’ – her husband.
The public and press are quick to judge her for not defending the children in the home, without realising that she had no more status or authority than the children had, literally being ‘one of them’, with the added humiliation of probable sexual abuse.
As a mother, she would have had to stand by and watch her babies coming under the same tyranny to which she was subjected, and was probably threatened with their real harm if she did not comply with her husband’s wishes.
It is easy to be compassionate when it comes to child abuse because children are seen as defenceless.
What is not acknowledged is that abused women are as defenceless as children and need the ‘adults’ of society to come to their defence.
She lives with constant terror and anxiety and loses all sense of her self-worth, unable to trust herself to make decisions, or even the possibility of providing for herself and her children.
What she needs is compassion and understanding, and a place of safety where she can be protected and healed from the psychological damage that has been done to her, and where she can be helped to regain a relationship with her children, as their mom, instead of as their sibling.
Prison is just perpetuating her abuse, now handed down by society.
We wouldn’t dream of sending abused children to prison, so how can we in clear conscience send their abused mother to prison?
The children’s needs are equivalent to their mother’s, and the domestic violence laws are there to protect all victims of abuse.
This woman deserves our intelligent understanding and compassion, as well as our psychological and material help, to enable her to regain a normal life with her children – one free of the tyranny of abuse.
I hope the court and her legal defence will bear this in mind as they proceed.
Dr Glynn Goedhart (PhD),
Family and trauma therapy specialist.
Eds note: The woman’s defence will be covered during the trial which is set to start on July 25 at which time the paper will be at liberty to give her side of the story.
Ek was deur amper die selfde geval en ek as ma het elke keer opgestaan vir my kind want so mens kan jy nie n pa noem nie ek se nog sy kon iets gedoen het hy moes gaan slaap het sy moes na soveel jaar geweet het wat sy doen en laate was sy kon regtig iets gedoen het.
With reference to the letter about the “monster mom” in the house of horrors. I was also in a very abusive relationship with a man and he was also abusive to my children. In the end I had to leave with the man’s mother, who gave me the opportunity to get out of this circle of abuse and had to leave my kids behind. It was split second decision I had to make. Our prospects of food and electricity for the next day was not his concern. He didn’t seem to care and only worried about where his next beer was coming from. Nevertheless, I am away from my kids, my ex-husband enjoys the pain I went thru, and more so enjoys the fact that I am not with my kids anymore because I am also seen as a very bad mother who allowed the abuse and drinking and domestic violence going on in the relationship. When you are in a situation of abuse, people tend very much to judge you and find pleasure in your situation because its not them. But help for abused woman, unfortunately, there are NONE. I phoned the police several times and was told the reason why he drank was because I was a no-good useless woman who didn’t succumb to all his needs. So, a year later, I still sit with all the guilt, sadness, shame and regret. But most off all, the guilt of what I put my kids thru, that will be with my for the rest of my life.