Jon Swift
2 minute read
5 Nov 2013
10:00 am

Miss in the motor of Formula One fanmail

Jon Swift

The Arithmetically-challenged Golfer has, much to the disquiet of the Demented Irish Miner, developed a strong aversion to the endlessly repetitive business of Formula One racing.

Jon Swift

The miner, a committed petrolhead, cannot fathom why anyone would prefer rugby – or more especially golf – to the sleek shapes which race around the globe’s chosen circuits.

“You must be joking,” said the Demented One when the golfing member expressed his firm belief that Formula One was a deliberate waste of fossil fuel and not a sport at all.

“These drivers are an elite bunch,” he continued. “You need to be super-fit, have incredible reflexes and the heart of a lion to handle a racing machine at over 300km/h.

“You also have to know what you’re doing when you have to brake to bring the car down from that speed to 60km/h inside two seconds.

“That type of manoeuvre puts a strain of 3G on the driver, basically meaning his head is three times heavier than yours would be driving the family car.

“On top of that, the driver is changing gear something like once every two seconds for two-and-a-half hours.

“Yes, the guys behind the wheel of the F1 machines really have to know what they’re doing.”

The golfing member clearly remained unconvinced despite the vehemence and technical excellence of the Demented One’s arguments.

“I don’t doubt that for a minute,” he replied, “but you have forgotten a vital element.

“You also have to have a car and – it looks very much to me – talented behind the wheel as Sebastian Vettel undoubtedly is, the car counts first and foremost.

“I for one would like to see how he’d do if he didn’t have a Red Bull under the seat of his racing overalls.

“I mean, the car is named after a fizzy drink. I know Ferrari, Lotus and McLaren are still around. Those are really names to conjure with.

“But they aren’t winning many races any more. Somehow, Formula One doesn’t have the magic it used to.

“Surely it should be a driver manoeuvring a car round the track rather than a car manoeuvring a driver.

“For me it’s all become a lot like those slot cars we used to race as kids on a track laid out on the lounge carpet.

“It’s become a procession to see who can come closest to getting a fleeting view of Vettel’s tailpipe.”

The Demented One shook his head in anguish. Clearly, there was no convincing the golfing member of the merits of grand prix racing, so he accepted the inevitable and offered him a lift home.

“No thanks,” said the Arithmetically-challenged One. “You drive too fast – you think you’re Sebastian Vettel.”