It’s 7am. You’re awake because your head is pounding like cymbals in an overworked marching band and your tongue’s wearing a yellow poloneck. You pry your lips open for air. Reaching for a glass of water is an Olympian feat. Your mind is fuzzy. Resting your head back on your pillow, the memories flood in. A bottle of wine with dinner. Tequila. Jägerbombs. Tequila-and-jägerbombs. Dancing. More tequila. Tequila for everyone! Blank. It hurts to think.

Most of us know the nausea, shakiness, quickened heartbeat, sweating, depression and anxiety associated with heavyweight-championship hangovers. And, after spending an hour trying to move as little as possible while consuming as much water as it takes to get your brain from shrivelled, dried-up lump of biltong to healthy, blood-filled hunk of grey matter, you start thinking of cures. But headache experts agree there is no cure for the common hangover. So, in the name of research, we’ve subjected ourselves to enough mornings-after to give you the lowdown on the most popular hangover fixers. Think a breakfast with more grease than John Travolta can shake his hips at is the best way to get rid of that babelas? Think again.

Hair of the dog

Depending on how bad your hangover is, alcohol can either make you feel much better or much worse. However, drinking on a hangover might not be such a great idea. “A hangover is a signal that body systems and the central nervous system have been damaged. What you’re feeling is the result of it repairing itself. Only when alcohol has been eliminated from the body will a hangover go away,” says Dr Helgo Schomer, behavioural health consultant and health psychology lecturer at UCT. So all it’s doing is prolonging the inevitable hangover.

Sports drinks

It’s been said the reason for the popularity of a sports drink for a hangover is that it replaces electrolytes sapped during the previous night’s binge. Says Schomer: “Water works just as well and isn’t loaded with kilojoules.” Rather save your money, and your waistline, and reach for a bottle of H2O.

Pain meds

Swallowing two Myprodol will relieve that pounding headache. But your liver is already working overtime to metabolise those tequilas. Rather drink loads of water to get rid of the dehydration that’s causing your brain to feel four times bigger than your skull.

Greasy food

A massive plate of eggs, toast, bacon, sausage, tomato and fried mushrooms is probably sounding really good right now, right? That’s just your body’s way of telling you you’re dehydrated and tired. What you eat the day after makes no difference and usually just intensifies nausea. It’s what you eat before you drink that bottle of wine that makes all the difference. Food helps to slow the absorption of alcohol. However, unless you’re watching your weight (you do realise the damage that tequila did is way worse than any English breakfast), a little comfort food on a babelas isn’t going to hurt.

Exercise

One way of improving your mood and feeling better is movement. Staying inside and carving out a dent in your couch will only increase the depression associated with hangovers. “Get out there,” advises Schomer. “Get into the sun and move. One of the best ways to get rid of a hangover is to get into the cold sea. If you’re going for a surf, put on a short wet suit. Shock your system into action to eliminate toxins.”

Sex

Some say the flow of blood from the head to other parts of the body relieves a hangover. However, research has shown no conclusive evidence. Anecdotal evidence may disagree, so we recommend you try this one yourself.

Prairie oyster

When you’re really desperate, try this. Put a raw egg in a glass, add two dashes of chilli sauce and Worcestershire sauce, and a pinch of salt and pepper. Gulp it down. Feeling better? No? That’s because this method does nothing for a hangover. But the thought of having to drink it in the morning may prevent you from going overboard the night before.

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