Tips on dealing with unwanted guests this festive season

When it comes to dealing with ‘housecrashers’, the basic principle is to make your wants crystal clear in the most polite, but respectful manner.

But let’s face it, being a cold person really helps get rid of unwanted guests. Communication helps too, sometimes, other times the “ol’ sit them down” doesn’t discourage the most stubborn of the lot.

So here’s a short, somewhat unconventional list of tips on keeping your house strictly per invite only:

• Prevent it at all costs:

Or, just tell them the guest room is infested by a family man-eating cockroaches, hence, there is no room for them.

• Stick it out:

What if they see through your cunning plots to keep them at bay and manage to get past your defenses? Well, in this case, the damage is already done. Try not to smile too much as you begin hatching the next plot.

• Kindly ‘prompt’ their immediate removal:

This kind tends to stay longer than you can bear once they’re clawed their way in. While you’re running out of patience subtly hint that their stay has been overstepped. The questions “so when do you get back to work?”, or “when do you plan on getting a job?”, should do the trick.

• Immediately remove them:

This requires no explanation, just a good lawyer.

• Move out:
  But, before you do this, carefully booby trap the house to coerce the new owners that staying is not worth their time.

Alas if all else fails, just burn the whole place down.

(only joking)