Where do we find ourselves after the affair
Can a couple survive infidelity? This is a tricky question but I would like to suggest that many couples can….note I said ‘many’ not ‘all’.
This is obviously a controversial statement and I can only justify my own response which is based on years of experience having worked with many couples who have experienced infidelity in their relationships which some had survived.
Several things need to be in place before the couple begins to navigate through this harsh and shattering life experience so as to emerge intact and still respecting and loving towards each other while pursuing the goal of remaining together.
I won’t delve into what you might define as an affair because this too is a tricky argument…is it intimate chatting over cyberspace or sending cyber gifts like flowers and love poems, a lunch/coffee date …maybe it’s a kiss or a hug?
Each person has to answer this question for themselves because an affair does not always have to be coital.
What matters here is what you think constitutes an affair based on the values of a relationship that you have implicitly or explicitly agreed upon with your partner…values like trust, sharing ones goals, fears, desires. What does matter is that those values have been shattered and a sense of betrayal has replaced it.
To assign blame would also not be useful to navigating this treacherous journey towards rebuilding a relationship.
While both parties may have contributed consciously or unconsciously to the distress in the relationship (psychological perspective), the person who had the affair has to take responsibility for the choice that they made on their own to stray from the relationship. Nobody can force you to do this no matter what the circumstances of the relationship.
It goes without saying that when trying to re-establish intimacy and connection, the affair has to end! You cannot have a third in a relationship meant for two and hope to have a successful outcome.
Both of you have to be willing to explore your reasons for wanting to remain in this relationship once an affair has been uncovered as well as to have your commitment to this relationship challenged and tested throughout the process of rebuilding.
The processes of rebuilding does more often than not require outside intervention from a therapist or a religious counsellor.
For relatives and friends to remain neutral, unaffected and to withhold judgement is virtually unheard off and has to be borne in mind when deciding to seek help as a couple.
