Today is exactly a year since it happened. Since our great loss, for you it was a goalkeeper, a captain, a friend, a brother, a son, a beloved cousin, maybe a role model, for me, it was everything. If you can imagine the world ending before your eyes you can almost imagine what happened there.
I saw the world’s fatality. We never think about that, that the world is a mortal thing, that one day it will shatter into a million pieces and there will be no consolation. I mean, we think about death, that we will come to lose our loved ones and remain here, with broken hearts. But Senzo’s death was not as we’ve come to know death. He took my whole world with him.
They say that time heals. I guess it is true that all clichés stem from some truth. Time heals curable things. I know that I will never let go of him, and that’s because I don’t want to. But time has healed some of the things.
It was a terrible thing that happened. An unimaginable tragedy. Senzo was more than just a lover to me; he was a part of me.
The bond we shared, its indestructability scared me. I always thought to myself, what kind of love is this that I have for this man? And you know that I have been heartbroken and disappointed before so I was no longer good at being gullible. It turned out I didn’t need to be naive to love him. Because love doesn’t need that.
We saw each other, knew each other and loved each other as we were. We made love and named her Thingo. And even in his absence, Love still resembles him in an almost creepy way. I will always be grateful to him for her and for everything we shared. For how much stronger he made me. Love can grow you, it is true. The love that we shared made a woman out of me.
It has taken some time to see things so soberly. It wasn’t easy to do that when he passed. There was so much commotion everywhere that I could hardly hear myself and feel my loss. And then things calmed down and there I was within myself and the tragedy struck. I have lost something very precious to me.
I wish I could tell you that the value of precious things depreciates when you lose them but it does not. Instead, the universe sets out to remind you daily how you’ve lost a brilliant thing. He is no less the love of my life now than he was when he was here, when I could see his face, touch him, talk to him, hear his laugh, watch how his face lit up whenever he saw our daughter.
I have learned a lot things during the past year; the plight of being a woman. How at every turn strangers and friends alike will feel entitled to your every part- even your emotions. I cannot recount the many times I heard how to grieve from people who didn’t care to find out how I was doing.
The many times I was told to dress like this or like that, “don’t go out Kelly”, “this is how you conduct your spirituality Kelly”, “it’s too early to return to work Kelly”, “that’s not how you treat his family Kelly”, “that’s not ladylike behaviour Kelly”, “love those who hate you Kelly, that’s the Christian thing to do”, “don’t go out crying”, “don’t let the media see you like this”. I have learned that none of those people will offer you advice on how to stop hurting.
I have learned to trust myself. To heal myself. To love who I will and despise who I will. To conduct my relationship with God however I see fit. I have learned to break down when I need to and to pick myself up when I am ready.
I have also learned unending love. To hold on to my Love until we meet again.
I was too heartbroken to say this then, but I am so sorry for your loss South Africa. I know that there will never be anyone else like him. I hope that you never forget him, as I know that I never could.
May his soul continue to rest in peace.
With floods of love, Kelly Khumalo
