Fathers must stand up and change the next 20 years

I applaud the Government for some of the interventions it has made in order for us to truly have a country where so many people from all over Africa and the world choose to settle, we have seen how business has chosen SA as a preferred place to invest.

Our country is the gateway to Africa, it is evident in the infrastructure that we have, from world class airports, rail, roads. Our ports are the safest in the continent, our health system is far better than anywhere else on continent. The Ebola virus has proved how well we responded to this deadly outbreak.

We have also witnessed how political parties have mushroomed in 20 years, showing that democracy is at play, smaller parties are represented in legislatures, they remain the voice of the voiceless, some have taken it a bit too far, we have witnessed how our Parliament has become a mockery.

We have also seen the sad reality of violence against women and children. We have seen how violent we have become as a society. Children as young as three have been killed violently, raped and assaulted. Many of these cases are not reported.

We have seen the absence of a father in the home, where fathers are not there for the children they brought into this world, they walked away from the women they had children with, leaving these children unprotected, unloved and uncared for by a father figure.

The absence of the father in a child’s life is worse than a child losing their father due to death. This child grows up wondering if he deserved it: Why was I born into this miserable life? We have seen a huge number of young kids who have become criminals at a very young age. They had to look after themselves since their fathers were absent, leaving it to the mother to raise this child alone.

A boy child in most cases becomes a hustler from a young age, I know this because I was exposed to the same thing, we call it “go phanda”. To hustle you do anything to get some money, so we picked up bottles, collected metal poles to sell. A friend of mine and my cousin both died due to crime and theft.

We started stealing small things like chocolates, those long slabs, and cheese to sell at taxi ranks. Because my mother is a strong powerful black woman, she dealt with me, she disciplined me using a belt, so I was fortunate and stopped this life of crime at an early age. My cousin Thabo and friend Masire were both shot and killed. They became worse, they started stealing big things, breaking into shops through the roof at night, breaking into people’s houses.

My cousin was arrested at 17 and served a few years. He tried to escape and was shot in the back, he was paralysed from his neck down, it was the most horrific way to see someone I cared for die. He had bed sores, he couldn’t even turn himself around in bed.

My friend Masire he and his friends held up a man at gun point and robbed him of his belongings. It turned out this man was a sangoma, so they stole his bones he uses to consult his patients, so apparently he put a spell on them. They were arrested, when he came out years later, he tried to rob a petrol station with his criminal friends, he was shot and killed.

These two boys had amazing talents, Thabo could outrun all of us, we saw how Afrikaner boys used to chase us trying to beat us up while growing up in the farms/plots of Princess near Roodepoort. Masire on the other hand was the most amazing soccer player I have ever seen, he was like Zinedine Zidane, a playmaker, a great passer of the ball, a visionary, he was a player that could never get injuries, he knew how to escape tackles when they came at him.

We had one thing in common. We missed a loving, caring and protective father.

These are just two examples I have time for, having grown up in abject poverty. I can give you so many other stories.

Our Fathers were/are absent. It’s like they didn’t know what to do with us, so they just were not present to raise us, teach us how to be real men, caring men. Instead, so many of our fathers left our mothers and started new families.

We could choose to blame the long effects of apartheid, forced removals, pass laws etc. My mother as a domestic worker living in the “Baas se klein kombuis” was not allowed to have her man there. I remember some nights when my father had to sneak in, and in the early hours of the morning before the “Baas” is awake, so that he leaves his property or face being beaten up or arrested.

I have learned a lot from my absent father: that I will break that cycle and that I will stand up, be a man and take care of the little people I bring into this world. I see the difference it makes when I tell my daughters that I love and hug them, they don’t need this reassurance from any other person.

My little boy Tiego has shown me how affectionate he is, he is loving and caring, he hugs me when I don’t expect it. I have enjoyed teaching him simple things like using a bathroom properly, at three years he is so neat and hygienic…

Why am I telling you all this?

It’s because so many of us fathers are not handling our responsibilities. Your role as a father is a God ordained responsibility. It is first God then you the father and then your spouse or wife, in that order. So what happens when you break the order of life? We see destruction, violence and disaster.

Our kids are exposed to too much violence, it is said that our schools are the most dangerous in the world. We also saw how Cosas marched through the streets of Joburg and trashed the city and vandalised hawkers and looted.

Guess where they saw this? You… the fathers who protest and march everywhere and trash everything you see, while I acknowledge that it is your democratic right, but why be violent, huh?

My plea is to all the fathers, to stand up and be a better father, love your kids, listen to them, play with them, read to them, help them with their school work, attend school meetings, take them to school, make them lunch, pay their medical fees, pay their school fees, buy them clothes, why should your ex-partner take you to maintenance court just so that you pay your maintenance?

Be a better father than trying to be a better employee or business owner…

Remember you will answer to God one day, when you meet Him..