Coffin dodgers keen to grow pedalling posse

Combine some Toti oldies, bicycles and loads of laughs and what do you get? The Coffin Dodgers Pedalling Society, which has been in existence for about 30 years.
It could perhaps be even longer but the oldest and founder member, Eric Daniels can’t even remember what he had for breakfast.

What makes these codgers want to perch their bottoms on saddles high enough to make falling off them a risky sport but still low enough to entice millions worldwide to partake in turning two wheels with enough energy to create forward motion?Motorbikes run on fuel, whereas bicycles run on fat which has benefits for those who believe in the saying that ‘nothing tastes better than slim feels’.

The club adheres to a strict no helmet, no ride philosophy. The two main reasons, as mentioned in the Coffin Dodgers rule book, are seagulls are vicious patrollers of coastal roads and they’re always on the look-out for stupid, helmet-less and helpless Coffin Dodgers, and secondly, roads can quite unexpectedly come up fast and furious to greet you. A Coffin Dodger recently bought a portion of black top real estate in Umgababa but fortunately the helmet rule prevented some serious damage.

The Marine Forces’ motto of ‘no man gets left behind’ is enforced by Eric ‘the Dan’. If any Dodger experiences a mechanical problem or a flat tyre, it is compulsory for all to dismount if they can and fix the problem. “Engineered punctures are forbidden,” said president, Eddie Hattingh. “One Dodger was an expert at this wayward ploy – when the going got tough and when a reprieve was needed, he would purposely engineer a puncture. If deviousness is suspected, this results in a lifetime of pumping all punctures experienced on the weekly rides.”

Humour is paramount to join the club, as dodging coffins can be a sombre pastime. The telling of jokes is therefore compulsory, as is laughing even if it is for the hundredth time at a codger who has bouts of amnesia and has become a compulsive joke repeater. “It is a punishable offense for any Dodger to grab too much air space, so only one joke is allowed per outing per Dodger. Eric is fortunately afflicted with amnesia, so he can only remember one joke at a time and avoids any fines,” said Eddie.

Only rabies-injected certificated riders are allowed on the weekly rides through Umhlanga-Baba, as the dogs are hungry and vicious like the gulls. Recently many tick-infested, hungry rabid dogs have been strategically placed along the route to harass the unsuspecting aging pedallers. However, unbelievable speeds have been accomplished by even the most pedestrian of senile pedal pushers, as they desperately avoid being a statistic full of canine teeth. To date the canine predators are losing the battle against the Coffin Dodgers.

Lark-like habits are favoured by the Dodgers’ committee, as all rides are often just before or after sunrise, so a chirpy disposition at that early hour is rewarded with hot drinks at the end of each ride of survival. Substance abuse is encouraged by the members, especially caffeine-fortified beverages.

All rides end with the Dodgers celebrating having survived the rigours of pedal pushing the bi-weekly Umga-hlanga route. “Dodging taxis, gulls, canine predators, potholes and sandy humps, including carpets of broken glass or just the rigours of remaining vertical and mortal can deplete an old codgers’ reserves,” said Eddie.

“Fortunately the coffers are plundered after the rides to replenish the depleted reserves of the fuel-burning cyclists. The main substance is hot caffeine-fortified coffees and cappuccinos. Some members are great substance abusers and plunderers of the meagre coffers but fortunately donations keep the club and founder Eric ‘tinkler’ Daniels alive.”

On a serious note, early morning rides are open to anyone who would like to join in for fun and fitness. Every Tuesday and Friday the dodgers meet at the parking spot opposite Chas Everitt in Doonside at 6am and cycle to Umkomaas, where they have a compulsory apple-munching stop and then head back to the Chatterbox Coffee stop at 22 on Rockview. The distance covered is about 43km.

For information, call Peter on 079-506-4251 or Eddie on 082-652-0812.

So what does it require to become a Coffin Dodger?

* Firstly you need to produce an authentic birth certificate to the chief saddleman confirming you have successfully dodged enough obstacles in life to reach 60-years-old.

* Younger wannabee Coffin Dodgers will be required to survive an induction period of specific tasks to be acceptably accomplished and only then after 10 years of still pitching up for the Tuesday and Friday rides to Umkomaas and back. Providing all limbs and faculties are still intact, only then will it gain you entry to this much sought-after club which today has a waiting list of 2,757 cyclists.

* You need to have a bike which only relies on fat for fuel and its working mechanics need to be approved by Eric, the bike tinkler mechanic. It can be a road or mountain bike.

* An unique sense of humour.