Here’s a tip for when you are admitted to hospital for any surgical procedure: It’s not a good idea to fight with the nurses on the first date.
Remember, sharp (or blunt) needles are bound to come into play at some stage and, even worse… you might not come back after the operation!
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Now, I have no proof that there was anything sinister about my observations while languishing in a hospital recently, but it was rather concerning to note that every other patient who shared the ward with me was wheeled away to ‘theatre’ at some stage… never to return.
In spite of my nose for news, those hospital outfits – flimsy gowns with ties at the back (which one can’t reach) and most unflattering paper underpants – aren’t exactly conducive to undercover, investigative journalism.
In fact, one might BECOME the exposé if caught sneaking around in them.
However, there is some evidence that there might be some substance to my suspicions.
One silly fellow, a grumpy old(er) codger who was brought in by his son for a heart procedure, was rude to the nurses from the start:
Patient: “When will I be going into theatre?”
Nurse: “Sorry, sir, I don’t know.”
Patient: “My doctor said I would be first on the list.”
Nurse: “Sir, there might be an emergency.”
Patient: “I’ve made arrangements. My doctor said I would be FIRST! You phone him NOW!”
Nurse (politely, but gritting teeth): “I’ll try to phone him, sir. Let me put up a drip in the meantime. And someone will be here shortly to take blood (snicker, snicker).”
After a while, two men – cleverly disguised in blue masks – arrived and wheeled him away in his bed. Alas, I never saw him again.
That chilling scene was enough to convince one to be polite and friendly to everyone who walked in thereafter. Even the cleaner received a smile: “Morning! Would you like one of my biscuits?”
The tactic worked. I was wheeled away to theatre for my procedure and was happy to see my concerned family waiting for me when I was brought back a few hours later, but now to a ward deserted of all other patients.
I was the only survivor and I put it all down to… a constant, friendly smile.
PS: Thanks to my colleagues for the great fruit basket. That was very considerate. However, I must just point out, it was quite tricky peeling and eating a pineapple while lying in a hospital bed.
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