LISTENING to a talk by funny, wise, kind and empathetic Dr Etienne Kok should be mandatory for any young couple starting a relationship or contemplating marriage.
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Etienne, a sexologist and relationship expert, was guest speaker at the February Tuesday Rostrum luncheon. It was his second date with the ‘thinking women’s club’ and expectations were high as he had been a huge hit as a speaker a few years ago.
These expectations were more than adequately met. His entertaining, inspiring and sensitively delivered talk about sex, which he described as very private and special and a higher form of communication between two people, was simply wonderful.
A master at employing humour to make serious points, Etienne had his listeners almost crying with laughter at times.
He is a natural comedian and mimic and could just as well have made a career out of acting. However, that would have been a waste. His warm personality, down to earth attitude and gentle humour equip him perfectly to assist people with delicate problems concerning relationships and the tricky, less-talked-about subjects surrounding sex.
He spoke amusingly but convincingly about the sexual and communication differences between men and women that often caused problems in relationships.
Women, who were more verbal, needed to hear that their partners loved them, while men thought they should show their love by being good husbands and providers.
Point-scoring often caused problems in relationships as men were often at a loss to understand the system women used. Women remembered the finest details and never forgot what their partners had said. Men looked at the larger picture.
They were also perplexed when advice they offered was construed as criticism, not understanding that women simply wanted their men to listen to their problems. And as for nagging, women earned cum laude degrees in this art on whatever planet they were reared!
Differences between men and women often caused sexual problems, too.
Women and men differed greatly regarding sexual stimulus and their attitudes towards sex. An understanding of these differences would help solve these problems.
According to Etienne, men’s sexual desires could be turned on like a light switch. Women needed their men to “light 200 candles”.
For men, sex was about arriving at a destination and they often suffered performance anxiety getting there.
With women, who thrived on romance, it was all about the journey, which might even involve a detour or two. And, if you were a man who had made your partner angry earlier in the day, don’t expect her to forgive and forget and succumb to your charms that evening.
“Good sex starts with ‘good morning’,” Etienne said.
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Discussing conflict within a relationship, he warned that ignoring it could sour a relationship, even damage it irreparably. Solving conflict involved dealing with it immediately, usually by compromise – and not the sort of compromise where partners expected to give 40 percent and receive 60 percent back.
In a loving relationship this ratio should be reversed, with both partners being prepared to give more than they received.
“There are no winners in a war,” he said.
A sexual relationship involved three L’s, beginning with liking each other – a lot. This developed into lust and only later, when the relationship passed the idealistic stage did true love develop.
In later years, love might survive but the relationship would be rocky if the couple stopped liking each other. It would be time to regroup and to learn to like each other again to rekindle the spark of lust.
In spite of the sexy books and movies and the manuals on sexual techniques it was actually love that mattered most. It was easy to make sex, but a much more complex matter to make love.
As Etienne pointed out it was all about loving, respecting and trusting each other enough to surrender control. A sexual relationship was, indeed, a high and very special form of communication between two people.
Aptly, Etienne spoke to Tuesday Rostrum on St Valentine’s Day but he urged his listeners to make every day a celebration of romance by working on liking, lusting and loving their partners.
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