If you’ve decided that you want more than one child, the next decision may be the timeframe between your first, and second (or third), child. The truth is, there is no right or wrong time to have another child. You need to decide what will work best for you and your family.
Is there such a thing as the “perfect age gap”?
A gap of more than four years is almost like raising two single children and when you’ve finished the small-baby work, you have to start all over again. Closer together than two years, however, is quite hard work (not only for mom), but with a supportive partner and structure at home, it can be managed. Obviously, individual circumstances affect the equation as well. If either baby has any problems (health or behavioural), the strain of children close in age could be greater.
Are you ready for another child?
It’s very common to worry about whether you will find enough love for a second child or not, when one loves that first one so deeply. Love for children multiplies, believe it or not, so you don’t have to be concerned about that!
Golden nugget: A gap of more than four years is almost like raising two single children.
It is true that you have less time to lavish exclusive energy on a second or third baby, and moms, in particular, feel guilty about it. Think of it like this – for the second baby it is simply part of life and they get a separate ‘package deal’ from a first baby – dad, mom, and a sibling! Your second baby doesn’t know anything else and the added input from an inquisitive sibling imparts a special dollop of love too, albeit different from moms or dads.
Do you have the time and energy for another child?
The other million-dollar question is whether you’ll have the energy to care for a second baby. There is no belittling the physical input required – the sheer hard work – but most women the world over manage well. Think positively, take this stage a day at a time, accept help readily, and of course, be sure to take the occasional ‘me-moments’; a soak in a bubble bath or read a book while dad, grandma or the nanny cares for the little ones. Women really are resilient and a few quality moments of rest generally ensure another surge of energy. It is generally also easier to raise two than it is to focus on one, as they entertain each other and can share at a level that you would otherwise be put under pressure to fulfill. In the long run, there is also less loneliness. More than one child in a family also means they learn about sharing, conflict resolution, and the need to respect others.
Golden nugget: It is generally easier to raise two than it is to focus on one, as they entertain each other
The first six months are busy with a new second baby, but after that the going gets easier. Unfortunately, one of the side effects felt most often is a little regression in the older child and a bit of sibling rivalry. However, if you handle this with patience and involve the older child without putting pressure on the older sibling to be ‘big’, things will be smoother. You also have to realise that things will be a bit different from that first time when you could give your new baby your undivided attention, all of which helps you through this phase.
Are you still breastfeeding your baby?
Of course, many a mom has questions about a second pregnancy, particularly if they’re still breastfeeding a first baby. Physiologically, babies are designed to breastfeed for two to three years, which in part explains why babies love nursing so much, often longer than a mom has planned to nurse. The closeness and comfort provided by breastfeeding often makes it quite difficult to wean them between one and two years of age. However, you have done your child a lifelong favour by breastfeeding for an extended period and you should think in terms of what the impact might be on falling pregnant again, on the pregnancy itself, and on the possible difficulty of weaning baby number one from the breast. If still feeding a first child when you fall pregnant again, you will find that your milk supply will decrease and taste different too, which often makes babies and toddlers more amenable to being weaned. Should you want to stop breastfeeding completely before falling pregnant, you’re more likely to succeed if you go cold turkey and refuse all feeds. But you must give a lot of extra love and attention and distract your baby or toddler when you see that he wants the breast. You can of course breastfeed right through pregnancy unless there is a threat of miscarriage or a genuine health risk to the pregnancy – very rare indeed. Many women end up ‘tandem’ feeding a baby and a toddler!
Golden nugget: You can breastfeed right through pregnancy unless there is a threat of miscarriage or a genuine health risk to the pregnancy.
How to prepare your toddler for the arrival of a new baby
It’s a good idea to prepare a toddler for the arrival of a new baby as soon as the pregnancy becomes obvious. It might not be a concept he can fully grasp and nine months is a long time for them to wait for the ‘playmate’ they have been promised, so early on they’re more likely to have a sense that something is just ‘different’.
Here a few tips to ease your toddler into the idea of another baby in the house:
- Look at pictures of babies, point out animals and their young, and page through books that show pictures of moms and babies together.
- Let your toddler feel your tummy when your baby starts kicking; show him your tummy and tell your first child that your baby is getting bigger and bigger and in a while will be big enough to come out. Repeat this over the next few months. A toddler takes a while to grasp this complicated event.
- Towards the end of your pregnancy, tell him that you’ll be in the hospital for a few days and explain who will look after him. If it’s going to be dad, now is a good time to let them have time alone together so that your toddler gets used to the idea. If you have friends with a baby, take your toddler there to visit or to ‘baby-sit’ the baby for an hour.
- Talk about what will happen when your baby comes home. Parents often tell a toddler that they’re getting a brother or sister to play with and there is great disappointment when all the newcomer does is sleep, cry or just lie there.
