Phrases to help your child navigate their emotions

Sometimes words fail us, and it’s difficult to know what to say to your child when they’re going through an emotional experience. It was famed author L.R. Knost who once said: “When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.”  But how can parents help their children through their feelings? These phrases may be just what your child needs to hear:

I am here for you: This is perhaps the most important thing that we can tell our children to help them develop their emotional competence. Children experience many different emotions, and some of them are accompanied by guilt or shame. If, for example, a teenager falls in love with his best friend’s girlfriend, he may feel ashamed or guilty. By telling him that no matter what he feels, we are there for him, he will feel secure enough to talk about those emotions, which will help him process them effectively, helping his overall mental health. Generally speaking, anything that helps parents and their children to discuss emotions is a positive step. The more we talk to young people about feelings, the more they will develop their emotional competence. By doing this, we will also be telling our children that we value them, that we are interested in them, and that we love them. These are the best kind of messages we can give our children – and ones that will make them feel strong.

It’s OK to feel what you are feeling: Children and adolescents worry about not being “normal”, a feeling that stems from a need to fit in. To begin with, young children mostly want to fit in with their family. Then, as they grow, the need to fit in with their peers grows stronger. By telling them that it’s OK to feel whatever it is they are feeling, we are normalising their emotions. We are telling them that there is nothing “weird” about them, and they fit in just fine.

How you feel right now won’t last forever: Emotions are not permanent, and children need to understand that feelings have a beginning and an end. Importantly, children should also learn that not only will an emotion pass, but that until that happens, its intensity will decrease. By understanding this, children will be able to cope better with their emotions. This is especially important in the case of negative emotions, when the feeling of not being able to deal with them may lead to harmful behaviour.

Don’t let your feelings control you:  Although we can’t totally control our emotions, we can, to a large extent, influence which emotions we have, when we experience them, and how we express them. This is called emotional regulation and is best achieved by changing the way we think about our feelings. This is possible because the situations we face don’t automatically cause specific emotions. Instead, the emotions we feel depend on our evaluation of those situations. For example, a teenager applying for a summer job interview can view the experience as a pass/fail experience or as an opportunity to learn. It is the evaluation of the experience – something we can control – which will influence how we feel about it.

Let’s put a name to your feeling: Children cannot always name the feelings they experience. But we must help children label their emotions because they tend to feel better by doing so. Studies analysing adult brain activity show that by naming feelings of anger and sadness, the amygdala (the part of the brain that deals with emotions) becomes less active. This, in turn, reduces the intensity of our emotional responses and makes us feel better.

Let’s think about how you feel: Our behaviours stem from our emotions, so children need to understand the link between them. By achieving this understanding, children are better able to predict and regulate their own behaviours and the behaviours of those around them. For example, if a child knows that when he is angry with his brother, he usually hits him. The next time this happens, he will be better equipped to regulate himself and not lash out.