How to stop the distrust triggers
Hearing the news that your partner has cheated on you with someone else is like getting punched in the gut. The news is especially shocking if you thought that there was nothing wrong with your marriage and you were both happy. Everything just seems to go down the abyss from that point onwards. Finding out that not only your partner has committed adultery in marriage, but all the time you were happy together was a lie, is nothing short of an emotional catastrophe.
Building trust after infidelity in marriage is one of the hardest challenges that a couple face when they are trying to save their relationship.
Infidelity is generally coupled with a lot of lies and deceit which the cheater shamelessly uses to hide the truth from their partner. But after the partner finds out about all the lies and the infidelity in marriage it is massive blow to their self-esteem, knowing that they were so easily deceived.
When the couple is trying to save the marriage it becomes extremely difficult for the deceived partner to trust the cheater’s excuses for coming home late from work, or not answering the telephone – even though the cheater may have a legitimate reason. These situations are known as ‘distrust’ triggers.
Trust is extremely important in rebuilding the relationship and reach the point of the carefree relationship where you can trust your spouse’s word without thinking twice. It is possible if both of you are willing to work on it.
How to stop the distrust triggers:
1. Identify the triggers: Coming home late from work and not answering your phone might cause your spouse to grow suspicious.
2. Increase your transparency. If you are the cheating spouse, you need to make it a point to call your partner and talk to them at least twice a day. For some people, this may sound like “checking in with your parents.” – but if you think about it, this is a small price to pay to rebuild trust in the relationship. See it as a gift to your injured spouse which will help to rebuild love and trust.
3. Eliminate the distrust triggers – no distrust triggers, no distrust.
Stop comparing yourself to the other woman/man:
After the affair, when you are trying to put the pieces of your relationship together it is quite common to start comparing yourself to the other party. Your self-esteem took a blow and you feel your spouse does not desire you anymore. This is a big obstacle while coping with infidelity.
Here are a few tips.
1. Track your thoughts. Listen to your internal dialogue and try to realise where the thoughts are leading. Your thinking pattern and entertaining devaluing thoughts of yourself is extremely dangerous. Taking control of your thoughts necessarily mean that you are taking control of your life.
2. Stop wondering about in which ways the other woman is ‘better’ than you. Remind yourself that if she was such a ‘wonderful’ person, she would not have had an affair with.
3. Build up your self-esteem. Try to think about what you really like about yourself. Whenever you find yourself questioning your self-esteem, think of these qualities.
Even though you are trying to cope with infidelity – you should never let anything make you question your self-esteem.
