Domestic abuse victim speaks out in hopes to help end the stigma

*Trigger Warning* This article contains descriptions of domestic abuse 

South Africa has one of the highest incidences of domestic abuse and violence worldwide. Our numbers are staggering and rightfully concerning; however, the spotlight is often shone on women as victims. On the other side of the spectrum, there are men who have been abused but are usually shamed into silence. Domestic violence amongst South African men is widely underreported due to the stigma or being denied assistance.

In October 2019, Erik Vermeulen was in a turbulent relationship and had reached the decision to end it. He arrived home on a Friday morning, and after a disagreement with his then girlfriend things instantly turned aggressive. “That morning she had been on my case that I needed to pay more of her debt, which I told her I couldn’t do. She came into the bedroom and I told her we needed to have a serious talk about our relationship, at which point she ripped my Kindle out of my hands and threw it across the bedroom. She stormed out of the bedroom.”

Vermeulen recounted how from that moment, the situation escalated. He followed his ex-girlfriend who had gone to the office and completely crashed his desk. He said she was in a complete fit of rage. “She walked up to me, ripped my glasses off my face, bent them in half and broke off the ears. I was completely speechless. She then said to me ‘Now I am going to crash your car’, and walked towards the car port.” He got to the car keys before she could but this did not deter her. She went to a wall unit and grabbed a hammer.

At this point, Erik thought the hammer was going to be used to damage the car, but unfortunately, he quickly learned that he was the target.

Whether it was instinct or pure shock, he began recording the interaction with his ex as she chased him around the vehicle and back into the house. “She chased me back into the house and we ended up in the bedroom. She was hitting me with the hammer on my body. She pushed me on the bed and continued hitting me until I got this blow above my left eye, which required me to get 13 stitches. Once she saw the blood, she stopped. I was quite disoriented but I needed to get help.”

A few days after the attack, Vermeulen laid a charge of assault with intent to do grievous bodily harm and malicious damage to property. After months of court postponements the case went to trial in June. “In July I received a message from the investigative officer to say that she was found guilty and was sentenced to 12 months imprisonment which is suspended for five years on the condition that she was not found guilty of a similar offence. She also has to pay back the damage to property.”

Erik, who is a behavioural strategist shared his relief about the verdict, and said this was a small victory for victims who do not withdraw charges. He said it was encouraging to know that the state legal system worked and that he hoped more men who have been abused would put their egos aside and trust the legal system.

“Where domestic violence sits in the South African psyche, men are just as much victims of domestic abuse. It may not always be physical, it might be emotional, but we never hear the man’s side. People might not believe you but they will eventually. As much as women don’t speak out as often, men say even less. This is not a weakness – fighting back would have been a bigger weakness,” he said.

For assistance with domestic abuse contact:

Gender-based violence command centre: 0800 428 428

SAPS Emergency number: 10111

Tears: 010 590 5920 or *134*7355#

Sonke Gender Justice: 011 339 3589