For some children, it’s easy to socialise and make friends. Wherever you go with them, they quickly make friends, but for others, it’s not that easy. They struggle to let go of mommy’s hand and go make friends, but mommy or daddy can’t be around all the time … what happens then?
Here are some tips to help your child make friends at school, from paediatric behavioural health specialist, Dr Kristen Eastman, PsyD.
“If your child doesn’t appear to make friends like other kids the same age, he or she may just need some coaching and practice time on simple social skills,” she said.
She offers these tips to help you assess the situation and give your child a much-needed boost of confidence in approaching social situations:
1. Take time to observe and understand how your child socialises
Start with a “fly on the wall” approach, suggested Dr Eastman. Attend a few activities at school (or sports after school) and pay close attention to how your child interacts with others. Does he behave differently from what’s normal at home? If so, why?
Your child may have a tough time starting conversations. He may experience anxiety in large groups or a fear of public speaking that keeps him from meaningfully engaging with other children. Does he prefer to keep to himself and observe instead of joining in?
Depending on what behaviour you see, you can then decide where to focus your attention, what skills need building and how you can contribute. “Trust your instincts, because you know your child best,” Dr Eastman said.
2. Model positive social behaviour
Children really do learn by example, so be mindful of how you interact with others.
Every time you strike up a conversation with friends or neighbours, or even the check-out person at the grocery store, your child is aware. Almost every scenario becomes a learning opportunity, allowing your child to see how you join in, negotiate and solve problems.
3. Role play at home
If your pre-teen or teenager finds it difficult to start conversations at lunch or during free time at school, sit down and practise at home. Discuss what topics interest him that he might talk about with other youngsters. Test different options until he finds something that comes naturally.
4. Give your child a head start
If your child wants to play baseball, but is reluctant to start, visit the field with him and throw the ball around so he can get acclimated ahead of time. Go early to the first practice so you arrive before others start showing up and the scene gets more chaotic.
If he wants to take swimming lessons, let him take a couple of private lessons before joining a full class, so he’ll already have built up some confidence.
5. Reinforce and praise
Make it exciting and rewarding to practise trying new things. Even if your child is only making slow progress, make sure to reinforce his efforts.
Acknowledge each small success, and tell your child how proud you are that he keeps trying.
6. Get the ball rolling
For smaller children, setting up a play date with just one other child is often a good idea. If your child is older, you might open up the house by inviting the baseball team over for pizza and a movie.
“Especially in the beginning, the goal is to help your child feel comfortable socialising and make it a positive experience,” Dr Eastman said.
7. Don’t avoid the problem
If social situations are difficult for your child, you might tend to avoid or ignore the problem. But your child won’t learn to improve relationships by always sitting at home with you. Dr Eastman recommended gradually pushing a shy child slightly beyond his or her comfort zone into new situations, with gentle coaching and encouragement.
“Don’t throw them off the diving board, but ease them toward the deep end,” she said.
8. Don’t compare your child to yourself or other siblings
Be realistic about your child’s unique personality and temperament, which guides how much social interaction they will seek. Just because you have dozens of friends doesn’t mean your child will, too. It doesn’t necessarily mean there is a problem. Some shy children make a few really good friends instead of having many more casual friendships.
“It’s tough when a parent’s normal doesn’t line up with a child’s normal,” Dr Eastman said. “But as long as they are doing things they want to do and are happy and well-adjusted, that’s good.”
Source: health.clevelandclinic.org
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