Every year people make resolutions to change something about themselves or to start doing something differently.
Unfortunately, those new year’s resolutions end quickly and they are soon back to their old ways. Setting new year’s resolutions has largely become a joke and it’s probably more useful to write a list of funny new year’s resolutions and laugh at them.
Here is a list of funny new year’s resolutions that you can laugh at before you set yourself up for failure this year.
General Funny New Years Resolutions.
I will…
Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
Stop drinking orange juice after I just brushed my teeth.
Stop licking frozen flag poles.
Only get divorced and remarried once this year.
Watch more movie remakes.
Go back to school to avoid paying my student loans.
Only eat white snow
Keep it to myself that I have trouble with authority when I’m being interviewed.
Claim all my pets as dependents on my taxes
Funny Technology Related New Year’s Resolutions
I will…
Watch more cute and cuddly kitten videos on YouTube
Check my work e-mail account at least once this year
Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make each a lot harder for hackers to figure out
Watch less T.V…. in standard definition
Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials
Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes
Help kids stay safe by not texting on my cell phone while eating McDonald’s and speeding through crosswalks in school zones with a frost covered windshield
Start a blog about how I would write more often if I had something important to write. Only make one blog entry and leave it published for years
Talk with a robot voice all the time
Funny New Years Resolutions about Weight Management
I will…
Lose weight by hiding it somewhere you’ll never find it.
Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.
Buy new clothes big enough to account for next year’s holidays.
Start smoking to lose weight
Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine
Lose weight by living on the moon
Find a more accurate scale
Build biceps by increasing reps of Ding Dong curls to 3 sets of 15
Stop buttering my doughnuts
Eat more fruit… snacks
Funny Financial New Year’s Resolutions
I will…
Pay off my credit cards every month in full… with my other credit cards.
Save some money for a rainy day. That way I can shop online instead of having to go to an actual store.
Keep better records throughout the year. That way I can listen to better music while I’m figuring my taxes.
Look for investors for my “home office” business.
Lower my bills by digging a hole to put them in.
Borrow things more often. Return then less often.
Visit the grocery more often than restaurants, especially when free samples are being served.
Buy a fire extinguisher, so that my money won’t burn a hole in my pocket.
Stop throwing away money that could at least be burned for heat.
