How to cope when your child bring home bad grades

POLOKWANE – Debbie Pincus, a therapist and an experienced author on relationships gives sound advice, in various website articles, on how you can keep yourself sane and what to do and what not to do, especially when your child comes home with poor school results.

Other than your child being “lazy”, it is important to note that there are plenty of other factors that can predict academic success. There’s something wrong with the picture if you care more about your child’s grades than he does, however. Parent’s disappointment stems not from not loving their kids enough, but from the fact that they worry they won’t make anything of themselves in the future if they don’t do well for themselves in school. If you’ve been getting in your child’s “box” and trying to make him care because you do, it’s important to stop and ask yourself this question, “What’s my child’s responsibility here? What’s mine?” If your child isn’t getting his work done, your job as a parent is to find out why not, or hold him accountable and teach him how the real world works.

As parents, we often feel responsible for our child’s outcome in life, but ultimately, your child is responsible for his own choices.

The main reason that “punitive parenting” strategies like screaming, punishing and prohibiting your child to go out with friends are unlikely to work, is that they do not directly address the underlying problems that lead to the poor result.

What you should do, according to a psychologist is to praise and acknowledge the A in art, the good attendance, the well-mannered attitude. Then focus on areas of improvement.

• Assure your child that the grade does not make him a failure and that together you can find helpful strategies.
• Discuss, don’t lecture! Ask: “What do you think happened, and does this reflect the work you put into it?” Your child will likely point you to the problem and the solution. Does the teacher talk too fast? A recorder could help. Is homework incomplete? A structured routine is vital. Maybe the child has a hearing problem, or need to get glasses.
• Identify and acknowledge motivational patterns. Reward, and inspire, by recognizing and building on success and special interests. If your son stumbles in math, a learning-based computer game could make numbers click. Don’t punish poor grades. It’s better to restructure time (such as limiting instant messaging) to foster progress.
• Think proficiency, not perfection. Some kids are C students, yet excel at music, art, or athletics. Nurture their gifts but discuss expectations. Rather than striving for straight A’s, expect that your child be proficient in academic and social-emotional learning for their grade level. This includes lifelong learning skills, such as team membership, problem solving, critical thinking, and communication.
• Meet with the teacher. Learn about the teaching style, rules, ways you can help your child, and access to tutoring. The more you learn and communicate, the greater the chances of your child’s success. Perhaps your child should be tested for learning, behavioural, or other problems.

Limiting social activities is only likely to improve school performance if going to too many social events is the reason underlying the poor performance.

Because we think our child’s success depends on us, we step into a place where we don’t belong. We’re taught that we need to somehow control our kids, so we often jump in their box without a second thought. Your child might comply to get you off his back or even to please you, but that doesn’t help him get self-motivated. Consequences aren’t there to create motivation; you give them because you’re doing your job as a parent. The bottom line is that you can’t motivate another person to care. Your role, rather, is to inspire and influence.

If you’ve ruled out learning disabilities and behavioural disorders such as and your child still isn’t participating in family life, and isn’t doing chores or homework, somehow you probably aren’t holding him to the line. In that case, you need to hold him accountable and provide the consequences that will guide him to the right place. Let your child make his own choices—and face the consequences. If the consequence of not doing his homework is that the computer is taken away, put the need to get that computer time back in his hands. If he finishes his work, he gets the time on the computer you’ve agreed upon.

Don’t let your anxiety push them to get motivated. You will only motivate them to resist you or to comply to calm you down because they want you to leave them alone. Your anxiety and need for them to care will just create a power struggle between you and your child.

Be inspiring. The only way to motivate is to stop trying to motivate. Instead, work towards inspiring your child. How do you do that? Be an inspiring person. Ask yourself if your behaviour is inspiring or controlling. Understand that your kids will want to run the other way if you’re too controlling.

Ask and listen carefully what motivates your child? What does he really want? What are his goals and ambitions? Talk to him and then listen, not to what you want the answers to be, but to what your child is saying. Respect his answers, even if you disagree.

Remember, your child’s lack of motivation is not your fault, so don’t personalise it. When you do this, you may actually contribute to the underachieving by creating more resistance. Your job is to help them learn how to be responsible. If you get negative and make this a moral issue, then your child might become defiant, reacting to you instead of thinking through things himself.

Bribing kids is equally destructive as it discourages them from cooperating simply for the sake of ease and harmony.

Try telling kids that you appreciate their effort. By focusing on the effort, rather than the result, you’re letting a child know what really counts.

nelie@nmgroup.co.za

Source Empoweringparents