Relationships and rebellious teens

As the mother of two children who just recently left their teens behind, social worker and director of Sanca Limpopo Alcohol and Drug Centre, Amanda Swart is well qualified to give advice about bringing up children successfully.
Polokwane Observer asked her to share her wisdom on dealing with rebellious teenagers.
According to Swart, the most important factor in ironing out problems with your teen is to examine the kind of relationship you as a mother have with your teen. “It is imperative to have open communication lines with your teens at all times. But remember, you are not their friend, you need to make sure that they know you are an authority figure. They need to understand that your role is to take care of them emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually. Mutual trust needs to be the foundation of your relationship,” Swart advised.
She said at the same time, teens also need to acknowledge that just as their mother has a specific role to play, so do they. This translates to also having specific responsibilities. “For example, it is a teen’s responsibility to be obedient and respectful. Boundaries are laid out by a mother and it is the teen’s responsibility to abide by them. It must be clear that not sticking to the boundaries will result in consequences. At the end of the day, it is the teen’s choice as to which direction to follow,” Swart further explained.
When it comes to rebellious behaviour by a teen, Swart said all behaviour has an underlying reason. “As a mother you need to find out what that reason is. Let’s use disrespect as an example. Firstly you need to acknowledge that you are aware there is a problem by saying something like, ‘I can see you are angry’, followed by reminding the teen that you are in authority and the rules of the house need to be followed by saying, ‘I am your mother and as such you need to respect me’ and lastly you need to give your teen a choice by saying, ‘you can either speak to me about what is bothering you so that we can work together to find a solution, or you can choose not to talk to me at all, however, you will have to take the consequences of your choice’. In this way many challenges can be addressed and prevented from escalating,” Swart said.
She concluded by saying that teens need to know that they have to take responsibility for their own actions and that their parents cannot do so for them.

Story and photo: KAREN VENTER
>>karen@observer.co.za