‘Empty nest syndrome is normal’: Here are 5 ways to help you cope

Local psychologist Zelda Buitendag explains empty nest syndrome and gives advice on how a parent(s) can deal with these new feelings.

POLOKWANE – Time flies when you are raising children. It might feel like just yesterday when you held your newborn baby in your arms, and now they are grown and ready to leave the nest.

With an empty house, feelings of loneliness and depression can set in, but local psychologist Zelda Buitendag reassures us that empty nest syndrome is completely normal. “Feelings of loss, sadness, anxiety, grief and fear are common among both men and women who experience empty nest syndrome,” she explains.

The most common signs include:

1. A loss of purpose. “Despite your friends, family, work, and other activities, your days may still feel a bit empty. It can be tough to let go of the active, day-to-day duties of parenting, especially if you largely defined yourself by your parenting role while your child lived at home. The good news is that after an adjustment period you can find a new purpose.”

2. Frustration over a lack of control. “For years you had control over your children’s schedules. With your child being on their own, you won’t know as many details of their day as you used to, which could leave you feeling left out.”

3. Emotional distress. “It is normal to burst into tears when you watch sad commercials, drive down a familiar road or do something that normally wouldn’t trigger sad emotions. Becoming an empty nester can stir up a variety of emotions.”

You may feel:

• Sad that your child has grown up.

• Angry at yourself for not being more available to them in the past.

• Nervous about the state of your marriage.

• Scared that you are growing older.

• Frustrated that you are not where you imagined you would be during this phase in your life.

“Whatever you feel is okay,” Zelda says. “To deny your pain or suppress your sadness won’t make it go away. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up and remember, emotions are not right or wrong. They are a reflection of the situation you’re facing.”

4. Marital distress. “When raising a child, many couples set their relationship aside and revolve the family around the children. If you spent years neglecting your marriage, you might find that your relationship needs some work.”

5. Anxiety about your children: “Whether your child has gone to university or simply moved into their own place, it’s normal to worry about how they are doing on their own. What isn’t normal, however, is to feel constant anxiety about your child.”

Zelda emphasises that your child will always need you, but your new role should be one of an advisor rather than an instructor in their life.

“Instead of trying to control your child’s life, focus on coping with your discomfort in healthy ways.”

Consider one of the following ideas:

• Pursue interests you didn’t have time for when your kids were at home.

• Reconnect with friends.

• Learn a new skill.

“With time having an empty nest will get easier. You’ll get used to your child being in charge of their own life and you can begin to develop a new sense of normal in your life.”

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