Tempers flaring as personalities clash?

POLOKWANE – If you and your loved-ones decide to spend the holidays together, things may become a little heated if various personalities are cooped up under one roof for an extended period of time.

There may be various factors to this as some people enjoy their quiet time, while others thrive on the energy of being surrounded by others. With this in mind, Review spoke to psychologist Zelda Buitendag, who shared seven tips to help you cope with gatherings this holiday.

1. Set boundaries – “Decide how long you want to interact with difficult family members and determine your boundaries. One boundary might be for you to stay at a hotel or guesthouse instead of in your family member’s home, so that you can have some downtime. Another might be for you to determine what topics you want to avoid.”
2. Practice answers to trigger topics – “You can bet that topics you hope won’t come up, in fact, will. If your cousin is still angry that you inherited your grandmother’s antique pitcher, think ahead about how you will handle it. One way is to redirect, which is simply the strategy of changing the topic of conversation. You can also tell your cousin you do not wish to discuss the issue at this time and then change the subject.”
3. Let go of resentment and anger – “Decide what grievances you’ll let go of for the day. Sometimes, being around family requires us to forget about past issues and simply enjoy everyone despite them. It may be worth it to not avoid your brother-in-law, whom you don’t like, if you don’t get much time during the year to enjoy your little nieces and nephews. Save the big issues for another time.”
4. Be aware of negative thinking patterns within yourself – “The reality is that we only have right now. Not dwelling on the past and not worrying about the future can make your holiday celebrations more joyful. It can also make you a happier person in general. Focus on your needs and what is happening at this very moment and enjoy it.”
5. Connect with other people too – “Make plans ahead of time to connect with a friend during the festivities to support each other. Hearing a friendly voice can help you sort out your feelings when you are triggered. Processing stress with a friend usually leads to a few therapeutic laughs.”
6. You’re not being difficult – “Remember that others are hurting too. You aren’t the only one feeling stress or getting triggered. It’s a part of many families’ dynamics. Be thoughtful if another family member gets upset or doesn’t live up to your expectations. Keep perspective. You might find a little humor in some of the less serious gripes that seem to linger over the years.”
7. Find something positive to focus on – “Have something to look forward to. After your family celebration, schedule a get-together with friends or part of the family that brings you joy. Knowing that this event is coming up can give you that extra bump to get through time with some of the more difficult personalities.”

Buitendag says holiday family get-togethers are often a mixed bag of emotions. “Learning to enjoy family members for whom they are while setting boundaries can make these celebrations some of your favourite times of the year.”