How to help your marriage or relationship survive the lockdown
The idea of spending all one’s time with a partner might be a romantic notion for some, but for others, it can be an additional stressor to an already uncertain situation. Couples need to keep a balanced perspective in these trying times.
Being confined to one’s home for an extended period often presents a new set of challenges – not only for the family unit, but for marriage too. The idea of spending all one’s time with a partner might be a romantic notion for some, but for others, it can be an additional stressor to an already uncertain situation that is beyond one’s control.
Dr Jaco Putter, a pastoral counsellor, says the key is to approach the lockdown period one step at a time.
“Sharing a small space with your partner for too long can cause you to develop a need for your own space, especially if there are children too. Others may very well enjoy the time together, and see it as a welcome break from an otherwise busy lifestyle. How happy you were before the lockdown may very well determine how happy you currently are.”
His advice is to have a strategy.
“We need to guard against the virus not only affecting us on physical level of well-being, but also on an emotional level. Uncertainty and frustration can set in. Now is the time to get practical and work on strategies.”
His advice is to keep an open communication channel between you and your partner.
“Be honest about your emotions and thoughts about your current situation and the future. Talk about your fears and uncertainty.”
Also, says Putter, is now a good time to reflect on your life.
“Realise how valuable the people around you are to you. Times like these force us to do some introspection, and make adjustments if necessary. If you as a married couple do not use this time to grow, you will struggle on more than one level to continue in the time ahead.”
A few more helpful pointers:
- It takes 21 days to develop a habit – be it a good habit or a bad one.
By now you should have learnt some good habits. What did you and your partner learn over the past few weeks?
- Learn to listen to each other again.
When your partner is talking, don’t reason, don’t be sensitive, don’t offer solutions, don’t overreact, and don’t attack. Ask what else there is to be said, and whether or not what you understand is what was meant.
“Listening brings you back to the place where you meet on a deeper level and see each other again from a perspective of love. So, you need to communicate well. Be positive and work together.”
- Give each other the necessary space to do what everyone loves doing, in and around the home.
“Respect what it is your partner enjoys doing. Lighten up around the house; do your part in terms of the chores, and make time for what is good for you.”
Once the lockdown is lifted entirely, things will be different, says Dr Putter.
“Talk about the impact of this on you as a family. It may be important to let go of some issues. You may have to reformulate the way you thought about things. Remind each other why you fell in love, and what you initially cherished in the relationship. Don’t try to pretend that you have outgrown it, as it is the basis on which your relationship is built. You might just need a proper reminder again.”
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