It is a new year and a time to start afresh.
It may be a silly notion that each January we get to start again, but there is something very hopeful about a clean slate, even if it is only metaphorical. Why not let 2016 be the year you put: ‘dealing with my temper or my emotions better’ on your resolutions list.
Tessa Pretorius, co-ordinator and facilitator of Softening Anger Mindfully, a workshop that offers practical tools for untangling and managing emotions better, says that although anger is an essential part of our make-up and has a very important function, it can become a habit. This is not healthy, she points out.
Feeling angry, be it mildly miffed or red-face-fury, is often used as the blanket emotion for a whole host of things going on inside you. For those of us wired to get angry – and not all of us are, anger becomes the default emotion for all sorts of feelings and emotions.
“In other words, anger often becomes the umbrella emotion for things like feeling insecure or threatened, feeling out of control and/or not getting our own way. Why? Because everyone knows what anger is and, ugly as it may be, it is a lot more socially acceptable and dignified than feeling humiliated or scared or alone. So we learn a little trick, we learn to interpret that unwanted feeling as anger.”
This is a clever strategy, however, it has a glitch, it leaves us stuck feeling angry and anger is quite a sticky emotion that easily becomes toxic for us and those around us, she says.
It is important to realise that anger, like all emotions, is contagious.
“This means that even though you may feel justified in your indignation or anger, it doesn’t change the fact that it affects all those around you.”
She points to the common misconception that venting your anger, either physically or verbally, and ‘letting it all out’, helps you be less angry.
“Actually, researchers have found that venting is the worst strategy for managing anger. It tends to escalate the situation and creates a habit pattern for anger. Just think about the last time you worked yourself up into a froth, it probably started as a minor issue which, after telling it over and over with more and more gusto, mushroomed into a seething, bat swinging fit of rage.”
A better strategy is to find a way to take a step back, to let our emotions breathe and to allow some of the physical and emotional intensity to subside. That way, instead of rushing in head first and fists blazing, you are better equipped to choose an appropriate response to a situation that triggers your anger. Mindfulness practice is the way you learn how to do this.
Let’s face it, our knee-jerk reactions to situations generally lead to actions that can hardly be described as our proudest moments. That said, there is no reason why your temper or perpetual grumpiness should be your overriding feature.
“For those of us who are too often too quick on the draw, a few helpful tools and practices can really make a big difference.”
The next Softening Anger Mindfully course starts on 25 January 2016 at the Field and Study Centre in Parkmore. For more information go to www.moodmetta.co.za or contact Tessa at: info@moodmetta.co.za
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