Put politicos on the pill

• Cliff Buchler, former Managing Editor of Caxton West Rand writes:

Most if not all politicians are pathological liars. It comes with the murky territory. But the good news is that scientists have evidently created a ‘truth pill’ which spots any lies, blots them out, allowing only truths to surface in the brain.

According to a leaked document (could it be fake?) the basic ingredients are a bat’s testicles. Not unlike meat improving with hanging, the bat’s member becomes malleable and easy to work with the longer it dangles.

If there is any truth in the report, the scientists are sure to be looking for recognised liars for testing the testicular fusion. Easy. They need to look no further than the motley witnesses at the Zondo Commission into State Capture. And of course, there’s the Umkhonto equivocator, if he’s not falling on his own spear.

Imagine future interviews with politicians on the pill. How refreshingly different, starting with president Ramaphosa. Before the pill (BTP):

“Were you aware of the goings-on of Jacob Zuma while president? After all you were his deputy.”

“Not at all. As deputy I was kept too busy, so checking on the malfunctions of the president and his clique was not my call. I only found out about state capture belatedly.”

His answer after the pill (ATP): “Of course I was fully aware of the situation, but I decided giving him enough rope, figuring the law would do the dirty.”

How about Juju Online?

“Have you established a trust through which you hide funny money?”

BTP: “What trust? What funny money? Listen here, you bloody agent, don’t come here with white capitalistic accusations. I’m leaving now to assist my poor voters.”

ATP: “Yes, I have a trust in which I keep money made from this and that. I now own a smart house, limo and cupboards full of haute couture and Glenfiddich 50 – thanks to my trust’s moola.

“Sorry, must go. I’m off to my new home for a roof-wetting with my deputy and SA’s own Floyd Patterson. He’s also doing Ok. Same trust”.

Then there’s good old Ace in the Hole.

“Were you involved in the asbestos scandal? You were the premier.”

BTP: “Never heard of it. I did nothing wrong”.

ATP: “I was involved. I was the premier and shared the loot with my fellows. I had many family financial commitments.”

The first roll-out starts with parliamentarians. Next in line are forked-tongued hacks, like self-indulgent columnists churning out fake facts and figures. I’m the first in line to get to the truth.

That’s if there’s no delay caused by the Hawks investigating tender process fiddling.