Being a good step-parent
Just recently I interviewed a step-mother venting her frustration about feeling unwanted and disrespected by her step-children and their biological mother.
Dear Herald readers.
Being a step-parent is probably one of the most challenging tasks an adult can face and carries important responsibilities.
Today I specifically would like to discuss the role of an effective step-parent. This is a very demanding function and very often comes with little support, understanding or appreciation.
Just recently I interviewed a step-mother venting her frustration about feeling unwanted and disrespected by her step-children and their biological mother. This is a sad situation as this particular woman has put a lot of effort into trying to accommodate her step-children and her husband’s ex-wife in her life. Instead of harmony and happiness she is faced with constant conflict and turmoil in her home.
Please consider the following:
• By law, your spouse has parental responsibilities in respect of his or her children.
• Allow your spouse to care for and have contact with his or her children without feeling threatened by it. If you obstruct the contact between your spouse and his or her children you will face even more challenges in future.
• Your spouse is part of a parental unit with the other parent of his or her children. They are required to have contact to communicate about their children’s needs. By allowing this contact you are minimising the children’s trauma of their parent’s breakup and demonstrating your support for them.
• Try at least to have a civil relationship with your step-children’s other biological parent. This is extremely important as children are very sensitive to conflict between their adult care givers. Their lives already have been disrupted by a divorce. Reduce their trauma by creating an open and friendly relationship with their other parent.
• Acknowledge the responsibilities of the other parent and do not enter this space without their permission. It is extremely threatening for a parent to consider that their role could be taken over by a step-parent and a lot of animosity is created if their role is not respected. Do not step into that role unless the children or their other parent ask you specifically to do so.
• Support your spouse. He or she most likely is faced with a lot of emotions around the children, depending on the situation. Ensure that he or she knows that you are allowing him or her the freedom to maintain healthy relationships with the children and their other parent.
• Never criticise or disrespect your step-children’s other parent. You will be damaging their self-esteem and creating an impossible situation for them to cope with. Regardless of the behaviour of the other parent, if this behaviour is not threatening a child’s safety and welfare, it is his or her right to have contact and a meaningful relationship with their other biological parent.
• Please seek counselling from a registered counsellor, psychologist or social worker if you are finding it challenging to cope with the responsibilities of being a step-parent.
You are welcome to contact Sandri via email at SandriAppelgryn@gmail.com if you want to share your experience as a step-parent, or if you require further guidance on this subject.
