Vampires 101

The coffin is a vampire’s best friend. Not only do they make snug beds, but they are necessary for protection and rejuvenation.

Vampires are allergic to sunlight and should a ray strike their pale flaky skin they become dead. Like, seriously dead, not just like, “Yes I don’t have a heartbeat but I’m still breathing”. So during day hours they pop into their cosy coffins to ensure no light damages their sensitive skin. And they enjoy a good well-deserved rest after a busy night of blood-sucking.

And then there’s the safety factor. Vampires hide in coffins so they are not pursued by individuals who wish to drive stakes through their hearts. And for good reason. If some vile creature wanted to pierce my jugular and suck my blood, I would impale it in a…er…heartbeat.

These blood-suckers have been around for a seriously long time. According to vampirehigh.org, vampirism was rife in the Mediterranean Basin as early as 5000 BC. Three thousand years later the Tomb of the Vampires was built. I’m not sure what happened after that, but a while later in 28 AD Jesus healed some at Capernaum. It’s a pity not all of them were healed, because in 1607 a bunch of the undead arrived in the New World. In 1897 Bram Stocker’s Dracula was published, a mere eight years before the worldwide vampire population hit one million.

1905 – one million

2014 – ?

What is most dangerous about vampires is their youthful appearance. You see, vampires do not age. Take Edward Cullen for example. Although he appears to be young and hunky, he is in fact a whopping 113 years old. If a human is bitten by a vampire their appearance remains as it was when they began transformation.

And yes, I know what you’re going to ask. What if a human is bitten when they’re old? Well, yes, of course that is possible, but it’s obvious this doesn’t happen often in our day and age. Today’s most well-known vampires like Pam from True Blood or Angel from Buffy are young and seriously smoochable.

Therefore, absolute vigilance is imperative. The current number is unknown, but it is safe to assume there are several million.

If you stumble upon a handsome creature with milky skin and sultry red lips, before you allow yourself to become vulnerable…find a stethoscope and secure a pulse.