How to talk to your little one about death

With the surge of the Corona virus, many families are losing their loved ones at an alarming rate. Death is a sad reality and while we as adults struggle with the concept of death, it can be even worse for children. That is why as parents we tend to shield them from the truth, thinking they do not have an idea of what is happening around us. But children are aware and they can sense our emotions. When single mom Nonzwakazi Cekete lost her partner four years ago to a bike accident, she was confused how she was gone to break the news to her then six and seven-year-old. Besides struggling with the grief, herself, she was having a tough time whether to tell the truth or just say he had gone somewhere far and would come back. “I just couldn’t bring myself to tell them the truth but I could tell from their stares that they wanted the truth. The people surrounding me were comforting me and my partner wasn’t there. He was gone,” says Nonzwakazi, adding that she felt obliged to tell the children the devastating news. According to experts this was a good move because by not involving our children, we can miss an opportunity to give them skills, which can leave them hurt and confused and alone in their grief.

Talking to children about death

How you break the news to your child is highly dependent on their age. Children will have so many questions and it is your responsibility as a parent to answer in an age-appropriate manner. Even though they may seem satisfied with the answers, they may come back for more information at a later stage so don’t get distressed if they ask the same questions again. They may ask difficult questions like, “What happens to the body? Where is the person now?” Give them honest information, but only what they can cope with. Bear in mind that too much information can overwhelm or confuse them, so let your child set the pace and assure them that they can talk to you about what is happening and has happened. Much of what you’ll say will depend on your own beliefs around death. Be honest about the things you don’t know.

 Eliminating the myths and lies

• You need to explain to your child that it’s possible for people to get sick then become better but others don’t recover and pass away. It depends on what is wrong with the person.
• Don’t tell a child that the person who has passed away has gone into a long sleep as this can make the child scared. This might frighten the child when it is time to go to bed. They might think they might also fall into this deep sleep and not wake up.
• Don’t say to the child that a person went away and they will come back later. They might worry that if you go away, you might not come back.
• Don’t create an impression that it is only old people who die. Tell them that it is up to God and that young people pass away as well. God decides whose time on earth has come to an end.

Should children attend funerals?
Depending on your religious beliefs and traditions, it is usually good to involve children in some way in remembering the person. Feeling excluded can do more damage, so use funerals as a point of closure. Explain carefully what’s going to happen and have an adult designated to help them during the service so that they can leave or go and play, if the need arises.

Dealing with grief

We all deal with grief differently, so do kids. They may be sad one minute and another playing and smiling. If they want to cry, allow them to.
They might also feel guilty and blame themselves for someone’s death in the family because they were naughty but it is your duty to help them understand that this isn’t the case. They may also get angry with the person who died for leaving them. Let them know it’s okay to feel angry. When children don’t have the words to express how they feel, it often comes out in their behaviour. They may have reached a milestone or learned a new skill but after the death of the loved one regress. This is normal so is throwing tantrums and change in sleeping patterns.To help your child cope do little things that make a world of difference. Organise play dates or times with other friends so that children can also have a chance to just be kids and have fun, and not just be around sad adults.

 Counselling is not a bad idea
If you and your family are not coping with the death of loved one, it’s best to seek professional help. It will help you confront your emotions and provide you with coping mechanisms to help your little one through this tough time. With this in place and time, the family will heal.