Now that we all know that last week’s image of the week was an old Internet photo from the Eastern Cape (ol’ Madge in Hattingspruit was not to know and she was not even meaning to ‘cash in’ on a voucher) we also know that our readers are eagle-eyed.
A bit like government officials in the Northern Cape who have ordered all provincial government employees in that province to report for ‘biopsy’ tests to prove that they are still alive.
I thought it would be pretty obvious to determine if someone is alive. I mean, anyone walking or talking I would take as ‘alive’. However, just like the cow in the image of the week, things are not always as they seem.
“All public servants within the provincial government must be thoroughly screened – this includes the taking of photos of their eyes to make sure they are who they say they are and are not ghosting for some oke who stays at home and pays a substitute a stipend to fill in for him/her,” said a Northern Cape spokesman in Kimberley.
Now, this does not say much for the public service if you cannot even tell if they are alive or dead.
Perhaps a gentle push or a bucket of cold water will raise their sleepy heads from those KFC-cluttered desks?
Imagine if you went through those tests and at the end some oke said ‘sorry, broer, but our machine shows you are dead – please report to Kevin immediately’.
“OK no hassle. Do you mind if I stop for a quick beer at The Curry Parlour first.” Of course, then comes the question… if you are found to be dead and/or are not the real person doing the work (be it a teacher, health worker, grader operator whatever) then how the heck did you manage doing what you were doing?
Oh I see – you were not doing anything anyway and the supervisor’s supervisor’s supervisor was/is also dead?
“We have weeded out plenty of ghosts using the dead or alive process. We are saving the government a fortune. We reckon productivity in the Northern Cape is going to boom – research has shown that people who are alive work more efficiently than those who are dead,” the spokesman reiterated.
Municipalities are also going to embark on a similar scheme but it may not be as technical as the Kimberly initiative.
Apparently all you do is cut overtime and the reaction is equivalent to a knock out blow from Chuck Norris. This is a pretty clear indicator that the oke is alive.
Another way is to see if he/she has a death certificate or not. Unfortunately this is not fool proof – this paper has written stories of people being shocked to find that they have been declared dead by Home Affairs and cannot open a bank account.
Another way would be to yell out ‘Bafana have beaten Brazil’ – this reaction would also get As into Gs. However, the fact that there are substitute workers out there is scary. So Jannie’s teacher decides to get a ghost worker to do the job and that person pretends to be a real teacher. Wow! Imagine if your doctor did this. “Sorry, Dr Smith is going away on holiday – however, his mate – you can call him Dr Smith too – is filling in. He is a butcher down in Victoria Street.” Hmm – more dead than alive…
