Twenty important notes for newcomers to NDE/NGL

For newcomers to Endumeni/Dundee/Glendee/ThePlaceWhereYouLive, there are some rules that you just have to get used to. These are (well, most) unique to our part of the globe – albeit a very dry part at this stage of play.
1. You will always encounter a Code 10 learner driver (who will only ever drive a Corsa) at around 4.38pm on Victoria Street when you are rushing home to bring in the washing – apparently a guy at the golf club, with ties closer to the weather than Accuweather, said there is a 5% of rain.
2. The beggar/hawker will always approach you even if the guy walking next to you on the pavement in front of the chemist drives a SUV and wears an Endumeni Municipality jacket – those guys have big bucks – ask the Hawks.
3. The car guard is always off to Richards Bay to get a job his brother-in-law promised him five months ago.
4. The glue sniffer on Beaconsfield Street will never ask a black guy for money – both know better. And white guys do not go to the Dundee July unless they are in uniform.
5. Glencoe people say Dundee is not cool even though 90% of the working class there do not actually work in Glencoe.
6. Dundee people look down on Glencoe folk – and the reason is very nebulous – perhaps because they have more factories than Dundee and there is an inbuilt jealousy.
7. There are more hairdressers on Willson Street than foreign football players in the English Premier Football League.
8. Cash loan places are always strategically placed next to funeral parlours.
9. The parking meters – 20 cents for 20 minutes – are better tourist attractions than the battlefields. More photographs are taken of the meters than of Gandhi’s Statue at the Museum.
10. Everyone shops in Newcastle and then complain that Dundee shops ‘never carry anything we want’.
11. Everyone fishes. If you don’t, you are allowed to pretend you know the difference between a scalie and a lure.
12. Dundee is not into health food. There are more takeaway places here than S and T claims in the Endumeni Council – and that is saying something, people.
13. A Dundee guy who wants to complain in writing will never use his real name but will expect you to.
14. People who have lived in Dundee for 400 years still don’t know where Head Street is – the guy who moved here six months ago does.
15. Endumeni/Dundee Municipality has more actors than Bollywood and Hollywood put together. Everyone is acting.
The municipality closes when there is a union meeting as if to say stuff the people who pay actually (not many) rates and taxes.
16. Everyone has had at one stage a free ticket to watch the Sharks at whatyoucallit, Kings Park. You don’t get the nod. No one likes you.
17. No one knows how a traffic circle works – full stop.
18. The best bunny chow is at Dev’s at the Curry Parlour.
19. If you want to know anything else about Dundee, contact Stanley at the Golf Club.
20. The best people in the world are right here. You are lucky to live here. So stop shopping in Newcastle.