Warning: This column may be considered offensive by some readers!
* My buddy Susan sent the following: The daughter asks her dad, “Dad, there is something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn’t understand. He said I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.” Her dad said, “You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe.”
* Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
* How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the ‘F’ word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO”!
* As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
* A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove you don’t need it.
* Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
* You cannot taste me, until you undress me – Banana
* You cannot eat me unless you lick me – Ice-cream
* You cannot play with me unless you blow me – Balloon
* You cannot eat me unless you spread me – Butter
* Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn’t tried wiping their butt with an iPad.
* I hate playing sports with my woman. I always beat her. After I lose.
* Two sweethearts went out together for four years in high school and when they graduated, they wanted to go to the same college, but the girl was accepted to a college in Durban and the guy went to Cape Town. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl, but she was never home and when he phoned, he would be greeted by a recorded message. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters and e-mails to try and win back her love. Because she became annoyed and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was: She took a picture of herself doing her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I have a new boyfriend, leave me alone.” Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was p*^&ed. So what he did next was awesome: He wrote the following on the photo: “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and then mailed the picture to her parents.
* The seven most important men in a woman’s life: 1. The Doctor – who tells her to “take off all her clothes”; 2. The Dentist – who tells her to “open wide”; 3. The Milkman – who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”; 4. The Hairdresser – who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”; 5. The Interior Designer – who assures her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”; 6. The Banker – who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest!”; 7. The Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her “Keep quiet and lie still!”
