Warning: This column may be considered offensive by some readers!
* A buddy, Shareen, sent the following, which I am dedicating to Celine: It was an entertainment night at the senior citizens’ centre and a hypnotist was invited to cheer up the seniors. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist, to take the stage. Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. “Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time,” said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. “I want you to keep your eyes on this watch,” said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. “It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations,” continued Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting “Watch the watch – watch the watch – watch the watch”. The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth. Lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. 150 pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently-swaying watch. They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. “S%t!” said Claude. It took three days to clean the senior citizens’ centre and Claude was never invited there again.
* Reva to Neel: “What is Bruce Lee’s favourite festival?” Neel didn’t know. Reva: “Diwa Lee.”
* Reva: “What did Bruce Lee give his sister as a gift?” Neel was confused. Reva: “Chaniya cho lee.”
* Mo: I am such a kanjoos (miser) that I went alone for my honeymoon and saved half the money. Ikes: That is nothing, I saved full money. I sent my wife on honeymoon with Razor.
* Suresh takes a flight to Singapore and he is seated next to an Englishman. Suresh opens his tiffin and serves himself a roti. Englishman: What is this? Suresh: Bread India. Suresh then opens the box of jalebi. Englishman: What is this? Suresh: Sweet India. With all the food he hogged on, Suresh farts. The Englishman is offended and in shock asks: What is that? Suresh: Air India.
* In a checkout line the other day, a couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The till operator was listening until she heard the lady say to the guy, “Stop being a scrote.” With a furrowed brow, the cashier asked, “What is a scrote?” Without missing a beat, the lady responded, “Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole.”
* I know I haven’t known you very long and I shouldn’t be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly. I haven’t had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard, and coming out nice and soft. If you would do this for me, no one would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I’d be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve, but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it’s very dry. I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so… Do you have a piece of gum?
* The principal at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. “We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?” A girl rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”
* After three years of marriage, Fay was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. “Come on, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?” “Baby,” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit.” Fay promised she wouldn’t get angry and convinced her hubby to tell her. “Okay,” he said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you – nine, 10, 11, 12, 13…”
