Warning: Some readers may find this column to be offensive!
* A woman tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won’t work. The salesman explains that he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on ‘special’. Suddenly, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, “Pinch my nipples! Pinch my nipples! Pinch My nipples!!” The befuddled salesman runs away to get the store manager.
The manager goes to the lady and asks, “Ma’am, what’s wrong?” She explains the problem with the toaster and he tells her he can’t give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, “Pinch my nipples! Pinch my nipples! Pinch my nipples!” By now, a huge crowd has gathered! In shock, the manager pleads, “Ma’am, why are you saying that?” In a huff, the woman says, “Because I like to have my nipples pinched when I’m getting screwed!” The crowd breaks into applause and the lady’s money is quickly refunded!
* The four Goldberg brothers – Lowell, Norman, Hiram and Max – invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label ‘The Goldberg Air-Conditioner’ on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now, old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so, to this day, all Ford air-conditioners show – Lo, Norm, Hi and Max – on the controls.
* There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and asshole’s.
* A sign in a pet store: “Buy one dog, get one flea”.
* I got a sweater for Eid. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
* I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
* The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
* If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s.
* I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
* I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
* No one ever says “It’s only a game!” when their team is winning.
* Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
* How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
* Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
* Marriage changes passion… Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
* Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
* What does it mean when the municipal office’s flag is flying at half-staff? They’re hiring.
* How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the ‘F*^%’ word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
