Funny New Year’s resolutions

There are many funny New Year’s resolutions, but you will find that there are many funny New Years resolutions that only a few people in the world would ever think of. Some of them will bring a chuckle to your day.

“New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, friendly calls and humbug resolutions.”~ Mark Twain

I will stop considering other people’s feelings when they so obviously don’t consider mine – if that unwashed fellow sits next to me again, I’ll tell him he stinks!I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leave. I will think of some more excuses.I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly….I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.

I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.I will not ring the stewardess button on airplanes just to get her phone number. I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.I will always check for paper before using the restroom. I will try to drive closer to the speed limit.

Never again will I try to diffuse an explosive device with a known practical joker.

Draw up a list of people who were nasty to me in the past year, get your own back on them in the next year!Eat more nice things like sweets, hamburgers, popcorn and ice cream. Eat less stuff that’s “good for you” like fresh fruit, vegetables and soy nuts.Work less. Take it easy.

All work and no play can make you a dull boy or girl, Right? Take up some worthwhile new habit, like smoking – it helps keep tobacco workers in jobs.I will drink less beer; last year I drank enough beer to have kept the Titanic afloat.I will treat my girlfriend better; I won’t make her carry all the groceries the next time we go to the market.I will no longer interfere in a rugby game or tell the referee he’s stupid or blind.

I resolve to hold my breath and pull in my paunch when I cross my young secretary.I resolve not to see any serial or movie in which any dead character is brought alive.I resolve not to call any phone number of any TV contest as they are always kept off the hook.I resolve not to swim in any swimming pool without water.I will not run while juggling knives.

I will not pillow fight with a bag of spare change. I will no longer beat the school’s biggest bully in the fist with my faceI will no longer shower while making toast on the edge of my bathtub.

I will figure out exactly why I need to spend so much time checking my Gmail, Yahoo mail, Pop mail, AOL mail, Facebook mail, Facebook updates, Twitter account, and YouTube page