En Passant: One day at a public meeting…

OK, HANDS up anybody who believes anything that any Eskom spokesperson tells them. No, come on, folks, don’t be shy, I mean, there are still people around who believe in the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny, and that Elvis is alive and well and living in Glückstadt, and that Jacob Zuma knew nothing about the swimming pool being excavated at his Nkandla home, so why not believe the Eskom spokesperson?

Ah, you, sir, your hand is up. May I ask your name?

Napoleon Bonaparte? Is that right? And where do you live, Mr Bonaparte?

Fort Napier! Isn’t that the mental institution in ‘Maritzburg?

Alright, thank you Mr Bonaparte, now listen everyone, here’s another question: in 1998 the government was warned that the country was going to run out of electricity in 2007, yes it was, but what did the government do about it? Anybody?

Yes, that man sitting next to Napoleon Bonaparte, your name , sir?

Albert Einstein! What, you share a room with Napoleon? That’s nice.

Anyway, you said nothing didn’t you? You’re absolutely right! The government did nothing!

In fact, the government told Eish-kom not to build any more power stations, didn’t give it the money to do so anyway, and with its collective thumb stuck firmly up its fundamental orifice started forking out for its Arms Deal instead. The government said to Eskom, stuff electricity, where’s the profit in that, we need a couple of nuclear submarines and a squadron or two of jets rather. Morons.

Great Scott, so firmly was government’s thumb wedged in its butt that the then Energy Minister, Doris Nlambo-Ngcuka declared in 2003 that there was “no looming

power crisis”. She was apparently told by the Eish-kom CEO at the time (who obviously had his head buried firmly in the sand, or somewhere else similarly dark), that South Africa would never run out of power. Yeah, right. Dipstick!

So in 2007, as predicted, South Africa started experiencing load shedding, rolling blackouts. Yep, and suddenly the old Simon & Garfunkel classic, “Hello Darkness, My Old Friend” became our National Anthem.

And who’s fault was that?

Mr Bonaparte, Mr Einstein? No?

How about you, sir, what is your name? Pardon? Ludwig van Beethoven? I see. I suppose you’re here with ol’ Napoleon and Albert? What, you’re in the room next door at Fort Napier?

OK, Ludwig, who’s fault was it?

Apartheid’s? Did you say apartheid, Ludwig? You’re absolutely right if you believe our President, Jacob Zuma. That’s what he is reported to have said recently. Hands up everybody who believes everything our President tells us. Napoleon, Albert and Ludwig put your hands down.

Funny, that, Jacob saying blame apartheid when the previous State President, ol’ Thabo Mbeki, is reported to have said, “When Eskom said to the government: ‘We think we must invest more in terms of electricity generation’… We said not now, later. We were wrong. Eskom was right. We were wrong.” Thabo said that, which is something of an admission of guilt, I’d say. And even the one-time Energy Minister Alec Erwin (“Big Ears” to his mates down at the Dog & Dynamo) has admitted that the government got its timing wrong.

But no, when looking for a convenient scapegoat for any of the failings of government, as they say in the Ghost Busters’ song: If it’s somethin’ weird an’ it don’t look good, Who ya gonna call? or who ya gonna blame? The Ghost of Apartheid.

Eskom itself has had its own excuses. First it was stated that it had no skills shortage, and then later it admitted that it had a huge skills shortage. Funny that there was no apparent skills shortage in the Eskom personnel department dealing with executive salaries, hey? they got paid in time, and there was no shortage of skills in calculating executive bonuses.

Yes, Mr Beethoven, bonuses. You, as a resident of Fort Napier, might well ask what sort of crazy world it is out here when the larneys in a struggling enterprise have received performance bonuses of R62.8-million since load-shedding first hit us.

Yes, Mr Bonaparte, that’s a very good idea – someone in Eskom needs to look up the meaning of the word “performance”. And then we wonder why the price of electricity keeps going up, year after year, while Eskom’s capacity to generate electricity hasn’t improved at all! Nope, the new power stations that they’re building are billions over budget and years behind schedule.

What’s that Mr Einstein? Is it true that Eskom once blamed wet coal for the reason it could not fire up sufficient generators to keep the country’s lights on? Yep, that’s true. I know, we have to wonder if it was the first rainy season Eskom had ever had to contend with.

And, yes, Mr Bonaparte, there was a point at which Eskom was battling to pay its diesel account, and that therefore it neglected or hesitated (depending who you believe) to order more diesel and thus there was more load-shedding. I know, Napoleon, it’s crazy, and you’re wondering why you’re the one in Fort Napier.