[PROPERTY] Understanding agent-speak

Brian Charlebois of Flynn Estaes writes: 

After many years explaining offer-to-purchase documents, I have learned quite a bit of legalese.

At the same time, I have learned to understand and translate what is often called agent-speak. This is a language full of obfuscations, oxymorons and innuendos.

As your first lesson, let’s examine a few estate agent ads found on the Internet. I will attempt to put some of the terms into plain English for you:

• Low maintenance garden – means it is completely paved over
• Walk to shops – jump over your back wall and you are in their parking lot
• Classic – very old
• Colonial or traditional – very, very old
• Modern – not so old
• Great starter-home – will end up finishing you
• Renovator’s delight – an absolute money pit
• Full of character – no room is painted the same
• Courtyard – very small back garden
• Quirky – all walls are at different angles
• Adorable – may be painted pink
• Cosy – small
• Snug – very, very small
• Study or second bedroom – has a large closet with no windows
• Cottage potential – an unused Wendy house (possibly old domestic quarters)
• Home office potential – a larger unused Wendy house
• Must see – because pictures do it a bit too much justice
• Charming – classic and adorable and cosy (see above)
• Sought after neighbourhood – sought after by the drug squad
• Breathtaking views – of a large motorway
• Motivated seller, bring offers – they couldn’t give it away
• Sun-splashed or sun-drenched – no curtains
• Fabulous investment opportunity – maybe BitCoins are a better bet for you
• Recently renovated – kitchen painted
• Needs TLC – you better have just won the lottery
• Calling all builders – to come and demolish the place
• Bring your decorator – to assist the builders
• Diamond in the rough – bring your builder and your decorator and some dynamite.

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed your first lesson in agent-speak. This is just the beginning of a fantastic journey. Soon you will want to better understand lawyers, doctors and even politicians.

My father once told me I could never become a politician as I only had one face.