An over-50 Generation Xer sees life through a new lens: Kathy’s Window is where Kathy shares her thoughts on the world through a new lens. From growing up in the 70s and 80s to having three Generation-Z kids, and going through certain experiences in her life, she now sees the world in a different way. Ideas that were considered the norm in the 70s, 80s and 90s are now no longer socially relevant or acceptable. Kathy explores the new ideas through the lens of someone who has been on both sides of the ‘glass’.
OUR children are our future, but more than that, they are human beings who deserve the best emotional and mental foundations in their lives so their brains can develop properly and normally – to enable them to lead a healthy and fulfilling life. How we, as their main caregivers, treat them in their formative years has a vital effect on their future health.
Today, I’m laying a foundation to get us away from the punishment cycle. I believe that dropping all forms of punishment and using gentle parenting and connection with your child is best. And even more so, discarding all use of physical punishment. It’s become illegal in our country, but some people still believe it’s in the child’s best interest to continue ‘disciplining’ them in this way, even in a controlled manner – done thoughtfully with an explanation to the kid and no anger. But does it really work, and is it healthy for a child’s mental and emotional development?
Also read: Kathy’s Window: One of my deepest regrets in life
You ask, “But how do you stop your kid from becoming a monster and destroying you, your family and your home and making it impossible to take them out in public or to a social event without complete humiliation?” We’ll look at that soon, but let’s start with why hitting/physical punishment is harmful to your child.
The key to a new way of being a parent is to no longer go down the route of intentional behaviour modification but rather teaching your kids how to self-regulate their own emotions and deal with stress in a healthy way through the avenue of nurturing and support. That means getting rid of a reward system, too, not just a punishment system. Radical – yes; possible – I believe so. Life-changing – ultimately.
But first, why is physical punishment harmful to your child?
1. It gives your small human a negative mindset on life.
Hitting your kid lays a foundation in their minds that suffering is good. When you hit your child, you are telling them that in order to grow as a person and become self-disciplined, successful and a good member of society, they need to suffer. There is a strong philosophy amongst human beings, which has been around for centuries, that the best way to grow as a human is through suffering, pain and trials. Yes, sure, difficulties do make us stronger and can teach us things, but they’re not the be-all and end-all. They’re not the only way to grow as a person. Besides, there are enough negative things in life that they will be exposed to just by virtue of being human.
2. It makes them more susceptible to later abuse.
To punish your child is making them more open/vulnerable to believing that authority figures have the right to punish them and cause them pain – not a good mindset to take through life. This makes them vulnerable to abuse later in relationships from teachers, civil servants, bosses or religious leaders – anyone in authority over them.
3. It doesn’t help childhood development.
Oftentimes, when a child acts out, it’s because of the immaturity and developmental stage of their brain. They seldom act out intentionally. (And if it is intentional, it’s often because they are unable to regulate their emotions and need an outlet of some sort.) For example, if a toddler breaks your favourite vase, they were most likely exploring the texture of the vase and what the glass does when it falls – they’re learning about gravity and different substances’ reactions to gravity. Yes, they could be exploring your reactions when you’ve already told them not to touch the vase – another way they are exploring life and developing their brains. It is less effective to inflict pain on them as this only instils fear. Fear motivates from the outside but doesn’t change their internal character development. Rather, you could explain how much the vase means to you and that breaking it would make you sad – not in a guilt-inducing way – so they understand that the action has natural consequences. If they are in a mood – naughty, rebellious, angry, etc – you could come alongside them and find out what’s bothering them (if they’re old enough to talk to) or cuddle and connect with them – help them deal with their intense emotions which could be caused by overstimulation and exhaustion.
Also read: What is gentle parenting, and how can I implement it?
4. It causes psychological harm.
Our children look to us as their means of survival in this world – they are dependent on us. This takes the form of attachment/connection. When the person who is supposed to be the one to keep them safe inflicts pain upon them or harms them in any way – even if the parent’s intention wasn’t harm – but the bodily senses and natural instincts don’t see it that way – it causes a sense of cognitive dissonance and then nervous system dysregulation. When this is constant and compounded with threats and other punishments, the child can be harmed psychologically, and their attachment ability also suffers. To keep the attachment strong ‘for survival’, as their brain tells them, they may bear the pain inside themselves to keep the peace, which can cause shame, anxiety, depression and negative self-talk. Or they could project it outwardly and become rebellious or angry and spiteful.
5. Studies have shown it’s harmful and pseudo-effective.
There has been much research done on this topic by psychologists and other scientists. Hitting a child was popular in previous times because societies sometimes regarded children as their property to control and bend to their use and will. This has carried through from previous generations due to trauma causing a natural reaction to hit a child – people mirror what they experienced as a child – or due to teaching that it’s the only effective way to bring up a child.
A professor of Human Development and Families Sciences at the University of Texas, Elizabeth Gershoff, conducted a meta-analysis with Andrew Grogan-Kaylor, a professor of Social Work at the University of Michigan, which analysed 75 studies that involved 161 000 children. They came to three conclusions:
a) There is no evidence that physical punishment changed the original, unwanted behaviour.
b) There are significant harmful effects from physical punishment, eg, impaired cognitive ability, low self-esteem, impaired parent/child relationship, increased aggression and anti-social behaviour, and anxiety and depression. There are many more, but I don’t have the space to list them.
c) The outcome of physical punishment in children – going into adulthood – was identical to those who had experienced trauma, whether through abuse, neglect, domestic violence and other harmful experiences. The imaging taken of children’s brains who had been punished physically was exactly the same as those who had suffered abuse. Those who have suffered abuse in any form, which breaks the attachment and connection with their caregivers and causes a stress and trauma response, become hypervigilant to the emotions of others as shown in their faces or gestures, thus setting them up to be people pleasers or socially anxious, also making it hard for them to form healthy intimate relationships later on in life.
Also read: Take one last ride – Iconic Durban Fun World shuts its doors
Phew, I feel quite upset with this news. I wish I had never been taught that it was the right thing to do. I wish I could undo the harm that I’ve caused my now-adult kids.
Next time we will look at healthy ways to help your children regulate their emotions and change their behaviours. Thanks for sticking with me. We’re getting there! A better day is coming.
For more from Northglen News, follow us on Facebook , Twitter or Instagram. You can also check out our videos on our YouTube channel or follow us on TikTok.
