An over-50 Generation Xer sees life through a new lens: Kathy’s Window is where Kathy shares her thoughts on the world through a new lens. From growing up in the 70s and 80s to having three Generation-Z kids, and going through certain experiences in her life, she now sees the world in a different way. Ideas that were considered the norm in the 70s, 80s and 90s are now no longer socially relevant or acceptable. Kathy explores the new ideas through the lens of someone who has been on both sides of the ‘glass’.
BEING a parent is such a breathtaking privilege and terrifying responsibility, so to discover that you did it wrong during a certain stage of your kid/kids’ development is not an easy pill to swallow. In fact, it’s deeply disappointing, guilt- and shame-inducing and hard to bear.
Growing up, it was a big part of our culture to discipline our children with a ‘hiding’ or ‘spanking’. Even in school, boys were given ‘canings’ by the headmaster when they misbehaved. I remember we sometimes discussed with the guys how many they’d had as if the ‘inner scars’ were trophies of their endurance and toughness.
In church, we were taught to not ‘spare the rod’ or else we would ‘spoil the child’. We were even given specific directions on how to administer the spanking – to explain to the kid why you were doing it, to spank them on their rear end (and nowhere else) with a flat paddle, and to never do it out of anger. Sure, that is better than lashing out at your kid in anger and whipping them with a buckled belt, but it’s still not right. And it’s abuse. I wish I’d known that!
A different way
Thankfully, when my kids became teens, it just didn’t feel right to spank them anymore. I’d also begun to change my views on the world. I wasn’t so tightly bound to what I’d been told to do but began to think for myself. Spanking had become illegal in South Africa and several other countries. Psychologists were speaking out in the media about the psychological damage of physically disciplining your child. I often wondered how you would deal with those difficult toddler, preschooler and primary school years when kids were intent on doing their own thing and defying basic human decency and social courtesies. As my kids reached late their teenage years and young adulthood, and they were respectful humans, I didn’t feel the need to personally read up on the subject, but I still had a burning curiosity to find out how to parent in a better way. Maybe I could one day be a better grandparent – if it happened. Or help my kids know better for when they had children.
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Recently, I found a podcast called Peace and Parenting by Michelle Kenney, M. Ed. She talks about positive parenting. I was intrigued, and the more I listened, the more I became convinced that there is a better way to parent that doesn’t involve the traditional punishment and reward system. Not only does she discourage spanking and physical punishment of any kind, but she encourages a whole new approach to parenting where you come alongside your child and show empathy for them instead of trying to control their outward behaviour. Her premise is that children act out when they are feeling disconnected from their parents and stressed. And the best way to help them cope with this stress is to connect with them and show them support and empathy. And, according to her, it really works!
The punishment and reward system just teaches children submission and is a way to control their outward behaviour. But when you come alongside a child and speak to them – find out why they are stressed and offer comfort and build the relationship – they change from the inside out. At the core of every child (except for maybe a clinical psychopath) is the desire to please. They just struggle to please as they develop physically, emotionally and mentally and learn social skills. If you support them through their struggles, they learn to self-soothe and regulate their emotions. They mature and learn how to get on with others better, but it comes from a place of peace and love and internal motivation, not a place of being manipulated into the behaviour through the fear of punishment or the promise of a reward.
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Star charts don’t work
I don’t know if you have ever tried a star chart with your kids? Or some type of reward system. It works in the beginning, but then, after a while, the child becomes weary and can’t keep up with the ‘perfect’ behaviour, so they give up and lose interest. I wondered why the multiple star charts I tried didn’t work.
I homeschooled my kids for most of their schooling years. In the beginning, I was a stern schoolmaster who worked on rewards and punishments and lots of grousing and even shouting at them. Eventually, about five years in, I suffered from the-stern-schoolmaster burnout. It wasn’t working, and I was exhausted. I gave up and let them learn at their own pace, in their own way. I, instead, came alongside them to support them in their learning as best I could. Eventually, they advanced beyond me in most things except for English Grammar, and I couldn’t help them anymore. And wow, did it change our relationship dynamics. As I learned to respect them, so they returned that respect to me.
In the next instalment, I will go into more detail about positive parenting and how to go about it.
